Why Trying to Fix Your Marriage Might Be Making Things Worse

 Why Trying to Fix Your Marriage Might Be Making Things Worse

Welcome to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack, the podcast where Christian psychologist and relationship coach Dr. Jack Ito shares powerful, skill-based strategies to rebuild connection and emotional closeness in your marriage. In this episode, Coach Jack reveals why trying to fix your marriage often leads to more emotional distance—and what to do instead if you want your spouse to enjoy being with you again.

What You’ll Learn

• Why fixing emotional problems with practical solutions pushes your spouse away
• The difference between understanding and validation—and why it matters
• Five specific validation behaviors that rebuild emotional connection
• What not to say when your spouse wants space, distance, or separation
• A real-life client example of transformation through non-fixing behaviors

Want to Work With Coach Jack?
If you're tired of being pushed away despite your efforts to repair your relationship, it’s time for a better strategy. My Re-Connections Coaching Package is designed to help you reconnect with your spouse through validation, empathy, and skillful communication—even if your spouse is distancing or asking for separation.

Key Takeaways

• Fixing emotional distance with practical solutions creates more disconnection
• Validation requires agreement, empathy, compliments, appreciation, or admiration
• Avoid apologies, explanations, or promises when trying to rebuild closeness
• Emotional connection grows through similarity—not fixing, reasoning, or negotiating
• Small steps done consistently have more power than big emotional appeals

Additional Resources

• Does Giving Space or Going No-Contact Help to Reconcile?
• Is There Hope for Your Marriage? Yes, Here's Why.
• Q&A About How to Reconcile after a Marital Separation.

Work one-on-one with Coach Jack to repair your relationship using small, easy steps that rebuild connection quickly. Visit CoachJackIto.com to learn more about relationship coaching.

Transcript

Why Trying to Fix Your Marriage Might Be Making Things Worse

Introduction to Reconciling Marriages

[00:00:00]Announcer: On the reconciling marriages with Coach Jack, podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito will help you to build and restore your marriage by learning just a few relationship skills you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more while getting more love and affection from your spouse.

[00:00:20] Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage. Both you and your spouse will love. 

Common Mistakes in Relationship Repair

[00:00:29]Coach Jack: When a spouse wants separation or divorce, many people try to fix problems directly. This usually just results in more distance. Here's a way that is easier and works better. 

The Importance of Empathy Over Fixing

[00:00:39]Coach Jack: One of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to repair a strained relationship is treating it like a practical problem to be solved.

[00:00:47] Using practical solutions for emotional problems is a real mismatch that can only result in frustration and distance. Maybe you are feeling that now. While fixing has its place, it doesn't heal feelings or create connection. Practical solutions lack empathy or agreement. They make people feel like you just don't get what they're going through, even if you intellectually understand the decision they're making.

[00:01:13] Robots will never be good nurses or therapists because they just can't feel what we are going through logic and helping miss the mark. What's wrong with being helpful? Being helpful when help is wanted, creates appreciation. When a person doesn't want your help, it creates rejection. Here's a nicely worded message that falls flat.

[00:01:35] I know you don't want to stay in this marriage. What can I do to help? You want to stay? While it shows understanding, it also creates more emotional division by offering unwanted help. It also will create anger. If you could have helped before and didn't, you are wanting to do it. Only after your spouse is done with you comes across as more for you than for your spouse.

[00:02:00] Listen again to this statement, which offers help. I know you don't want to stay in this marriage. What can I do to help? You want to stay? Now listen to this message, which offers no help, but is empathetic. Our relationship really has become distant. I can't blame you for not wanting to go on like this. In fact, that wouldn't be good for either of us.

[00:02:24] This statement shows understanding, but goes beyond it. Understanding is never enough for rebuilding By expressing some overlap between your spouse's thoughts and feelings and yours, you create connection. You actually start to fix your relationship by not trying to fix your spouse's feelings. One blade of grass doesn't make a golf course, and of course there's a lot more work to do.

[00:02:49] Empathy is the starting point for all relationship building, even if your spouse wants you to fix, to care, and to reassure. Without validation, these three responses lead only as far as the friend zone. Going beyond that requires a similarity at both a surface level and a deeper one. Helping and understanding don't create that.

[00:03:14] There's a big difference between understanding and validation. One leads to the friend zone, while one helps to reconcile. 

Effective Validation Techniques

[00:03:21]Coach Jack: To rebuild, you need to change from fixing to validating. Validation is the process of making people feel normal, right, or good about the way they think, feel, or behave. When you say, I understand you, it doesn't do any of these things.

[00:03:38] I teach my clients to avoid saying, I understand. The only time to say I understand is when you add to it because I feel the same way. Those last words prevent creating the difference between you and your spouse that happen when you express understanding. Only five validating behaviors are agreement empathy.

[00:04:01] Compliments appreciation and admiration. I commonly help my clients to be excellent at these skills since they are key to creating emotional connection. 

Pitfalls to Avoid in Validation

[00:04:11]Coach Jack: There are some things you need to avoid when validating. Some people validate, but then immediately follow with fixing. The hard thing for the fixer is to stop fixing altogether.

[00:04:22] They feel like something is missing if they don't offer a solution or advice, or start brainstorming ways to fix things. They're caring rather than connecting and create more of a parental role for themselves than the boyfriend or girlfriend figure they need to be to retract their spouse. When you validate, leave out the buts.

[00:04:44] I agree with you, but I love you, but I know what you mean. But when you add a, but you add a difference between you and the other person. If you validate, first, you score a point with a validation and then lose a point with a, but that makes your net gain a zero. If you don't validate first, then your buts will make you lose a point without gaining any, putting you in The negative.

[00:05:09] Don't replace, but with, and I know some people learn to replace buts with ands, but the ands typically are some practical step, which shifts a love building statement to a friend building one. I love you and I want to take you on a cruise has far less emotional impact than if you split this into two statements with some time in between them.

[00:05:32] Tell him or her your loving feelings now. Then shut your mouth. Talk about the cruise later. Your and comment will distract from the emotional connection created by the validation. Maybe this example will make it clearer. I love you and we need to get a gallon of milk. Don't you think those two statements need to be separated a little.

[00:05:55] Another thing not to do is to not explain. Explaining when not asked to is an insecure behavior. It's a common behavior for needy people. I love you because, and then listing your reasons has a good chance to backfire if your spouse doesn't like just one of your reasons. Saying, I haven't been enjoying this relationship either because followed by your reasons is likely to lead to conflict rather than connection.

[00:06:26] If you like to explain, observe how often it creates a good result versus a neutral or bad one. Experience is an excellent teacher that must not be ignored in favor of long held false beliefs. Don't apologize. I agree. This relationship isn't very good. I'm so sorry I didn't spend time with you when I should have and called you pigeon toes and pumpkin nose and on and on.

[00:06:52] Reminding someone of the things you did wrong is not a way to connect. It is a way to make them feel better about distancing from you. There is a place for apologizing, but it needs to be done separately from validation so that you don't lose the impact of your validation message. Don't promise to do better or to work on yourself.

[00:07:12] If you do that, you are going back to fixing mode. I will fix myself so that you will feel better. This probably comes too late, possibly will get you appreciation, but definitely will not connect you. I'm all for doing better. We couldn't grow without working on doing better. However, saying that we are going to work on ourselves is a promise that sets us up for blame and broken trust.

[00:07:37] If we mess up just once after promising, changing rather than promising to is what helps people to see us differently. Don't tell your spouse that you will stop fixing. Just stop fixing and gradually start to validate the combination of stopping a bad behavior while gradually adding relationship building behaviors is key to reconciling.

[00:08:03] Don't ask for more time, asking for time takes away from validation. If your spouse wants to take more time, then agree with it and you will be validating. But asking for more time when your spouse wants to move on is being different. So it's invalidating and will create more distance differences, create distance.

[00:08:26] If your spouse wants to move on and you express that you don't, you only create distance. You don't stop your spouse from moving on. The more you disagree, the more your spouse will want to end your marriage. We connect by being similar no matter what. We are similar about. Even if we are similar in not wanting to carry on a bad marriage anymore, how can you fix your marriage without being a fixer?

[00:08:51] Instead of trying to convince your spouse to love you again or work on the relationship again, start becoming the kind of person your spouse will want to be with specifically be friendly and relaxed to help your spouse be comfortable with you. Don't initiate heavy discussions about the relationship.

[00:09:10] To avoid pressuring your spouse and creating conflict, talk to your spouse the same way you would to a same gender friend. To keep familiarity without pursuit. Let go of immediate demands to reconcile, to avoid becoming more distant, validate by agreeing or empathizing without solutions or problem solving in order to start to rebuild connection.

The Power of Small Steps in Rebuilding

[00:09:34]Coach Jack: If you are a fixer, these behaviors may feel like they're not going to accomplish anything, but they will do something that fixing won't. They will start to rebuild your relationship with your spouse. Small steps have big impact. Rebuilding a relationship is not about grand gestures, but about the small everyday choices that shift the overall dynamic.

[00:09:56] That's how we grow our relationship with God too. We need to focus on being present and engaged in moments together, adjusting your energy, choosing to be warm and engaging rather than withdrawn or resentful, having other things to do besides hanging around your spouse and seeking attention. Rebuilding is about slow and steady growth rather than quick fixes.

[00:10:20] One of the hardest but most important aspects of rebuilding a relationship is taking small steps. Many people make the mistake of expecting immediate results after a single step, and when they don't see them get upset, when they get upset enough, they give up. Small steps will get you where you want to go more quickly, more easily, and without the conflict and rejection that big steps bring.

[00:10:46] What does this look like in real life? 

Real-Life Example: Mark's Journey

[00:10:49]Coach Jack: Take one of my clients, mark as an example. When Mark first signed up for coaching, he was desperate to fix his crumbling marriage. His wife had grown distant and wanted to separate his constant attempts to talk about their relationship only pushed her further away.

[00:11:05] After shifting his mindset, mark stopped going for the direct fix, which was causing him to be rejected. Instead, he focused on being relaxed and friendly. He validated his wife's feelings without offering solutions. Adjusted his expectations and focused on enjoyable interaction rather than pursuit. As a result, the tension quickly began to ease and their time together gradually increased.

[00:11:32] This no pursuit, no fixing approach was very difficult for Mark first, and he struggled with not trying to jump to solutions with his wife. But as his relationship grew, he felt less and less need to fix, and he learned a new way of relating. Mark also started to use the same approach with his adult kids to improve his relationship with them.

[00:11:53] This too helped his relationship with his wife. Can you imagine using this relaxed and validating approach to help your husband or wife start to want to hang out with you again? 

Conclusion and Next Steps

[00:12:05]Coach Jack: Take the next step and listen to your feelings. Are you feeling frustrated with lack of progress in your attempts to fix your relationship?

[00:12:15] If so, begin turning that around today with a fresh approach that will reinterest your spouse. If you want to progress as fast as possible, sign up for my Reconnections coaching package, and I'll help you to prevent a good relationship from slipping away. When a house collapses, you don't need to fix it.

[00:12:34] You need to rebuild it, and when you do, you make it better than it was before. You make it into something good for you and your spouse. Again, that is what taking a Nonfixing approach can do for you, your spouse and your marriage. 

[00:12:53]Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.