Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack

Frustrated that Listening Isn’t Bringing You Closer? How to Build a Deeper Connection

• Jack Ito PhD, Psychologist, Author, and Relationship Coach • Season 4 • Episode 12

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Frustrated That Listening Isn’t Bringing You Closer? How to Build a Deeper Connection

Are you tired of listening to your spouse but not feeling any closer? In this episode of Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach Dr. Jack Ito shares why simply understanding your spouse isn’t enough to build an emotional connection. Discover how to break out of the friend zone and create real intimacy with just a few practical changes.

What You’ll Learn:

  • Why understanding alone doesn’t build connection and how it can even push your spouse away.
  • How to make your spouse feel emotionally connected rather than just heard.
  • Practical examples of effective and ineffective responses that either build connection or create distance.
  • How to transform reassurance and helping into genuine connection that strengthens your relationship.

Want to Work With Coach Jack?

If you're frustrated that your spouse still feels distant despite your best efforts, it might be time to take a different approach. My Re-Connections Coaching Package will help you learn practical strategies to reignite your relationship and move from feeling stuck to feeling close again. Visit CoachJackIto.com to get started.

Key Takeaways:

  • Simply reflecting your spouse’s feelings doesn’t build connection—it can create more distance.
  • Empathy and agreement should be balanced with positive, connecting responses.
  • Reassurance and problem-solving don’t build emotional connection—focus on emotional resonance instead.
  • Changing how you respond can dramatically improve how your spouse feels about you.

Additional Resources:

Work one-on-one with Coach Jack to repair your relationship using small, easy steps that rebuild connection quickly. Visit CoachJackIto.com to learn more about relationship coaching.

Frustrated that Listening Isn’t Bringing You Closer? How to Build a Deeper Connection

[00:00:00] Introduction to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack

[00:00:00]Announcer: On the reconciling marriages with Coach Jack, podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito will help you to build and restore your marriage by learning just a few relationship skills you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more while getting more love and affection from your spouse.

[00:00:20] Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage. Both you and your spouse will love. 

[00:00:29]Coach Jack: You've done a good job at listening to your spouse. Your spouse appreciates it, but you don't seem to be getting any closer. Staying at this level could keep you stuck in the friend zone. 

[00:00:39] Breaking Out of the Friend Zone

[00:00:39]Coach Jack: Today I am going to teach you how to break out of the friend zone and create real emotional connection with your spouse.

[00:00:45] How you respond influences how your spouse feels about you. Many people try to connect with their rejecting spouses by showing how well they understand. This is a whole lot better than arguing or remaining silent, but still lacks the power to reconnect. 

[00:01:01] The Power of Better Responses

[00:01:01]Coach Jack: Learning how to respond better is one of the key changes I've helped thousands of clients make in order to reconcile even with a very rejecting spouse.

[00:01:09] I'll show you a simple technique that will immediately make your spouse feel more connected to you. You can then practice it with everyone you know and watch as people enjoy talking with you more. Stick around until the end and I'll share a free resource that will help you build more meaningful conversations with your spouse.

[00:01:26] Reflecting Understanding Isn't Enough

[00:01:26]Coach Jack: Let's talk about why reflecting how you understand isn't enough for reconnecting. Understanding primarily is reflecting back to another person, their own thoughts or feelings. This makes them feel heard. Therapists who work primarily by helping couples to talk to each other in structured ways, use techniques to improve this kind of understanding.

[00:01:48] What happens next largely depends on how much each of the couple match in terms of what they want and how they feel. If there is no matching, then the relationship is not improved. A husband can't understand that his wife wants to have more help around the house. And that she is resentful at having to do so much while feeling like she's getting little in return.

[00:02:10] That's really not hard for anyone to understand. His wife can come to understand that her husband already feels like he does more than enough in terms of helping his wife and is disappointed by her lack of appreciation. Further, she can understand that he thinks she is both spoiled and selfish by asking still more of him.

[00:02:32] Let me tell you. All that understanding is not only going to not build the relationship, it actually will push them further apart. The hope of the therapist is that they will both move closer by agreeing and empathizing with each other once things are understood. But this is often not the case. I sometimes ask my clients to get more clarification from their spouses, but most of the time it's not necessary.

[00:02:58] Most of the time we're going to know exactly what their spouse wants and how they feel. Finding out that their spouse is having an affair because they enjoy their affair partner is not really going to be helpful or a surprise. Finding out that someone doesn't feel in love anymore because the relationship has been neglected for years is also not a clarification that is really going to make things any better.

[00:03:21] The more we delve into understanding problems, the more negativity tends to be produced. I think this is one of the main reasons that marriage counseling tends to be long and ineffective past the initial clarification of problems asking why questions may get you clarification, but when asked about negative things, the clarification is not very helpful.

[00:03:42] Clarifying and Setting Boundaries

[00:03:42]Coach Jack: So when do I have my clients get clarification? Well, when it's not clear what the other person wants, for example, if their spouse wants to separate. The first thing I will ask is what their spouse wants to achieve with the separation. Are they wanting to divorce? Just have some time apart, like a break from their marriage?

[00:04:03] Are they wanting to work on their marriage and think that separating will be a good way to do that? Often my clients don't know the answer to those questions, and so they need to find out. The reason it is important to know for this example, is to determine what types of boundaries are necessary. Too many boundaries can reduce opportunities for relationship building while too few can result in a spouse having his or her cake and eating it too, which leads to divorce rather than reconciliation.

[00:04:32] If you're going to get clarification, you better ask for it in a good way if you want to get a good answer. A bad way to ask anything is to show your opposition in your question, asking your spouse why he or she would want to do such a damaging or stupid thing. Could get you some clarification, but at the expense of more distance, you'll do much better by reflecting more of an open mind with a matching tone of voice.

[00:04:58] For example, I know you want to separate, and it may make sense for us, but what would you hope would happen after we separate? This is just one possible good way to phrase such a clarifying question. It is not a why question that will get complaints rather than anything positive. Why do you want to separate is a question bound to bring about complaints about you and the relationship rather than anything positive.

[00:05:24] Listen to what I said again, I know you want to separate and it may make sense for us, but what would you hope would happen after we separate No, why question there. Right? Clarifying with an open mind and neutral or friendly voice, focusing on benefits goes beyond the action to what people want to achieve.

[00:05:44] I think it would be great if more therapists use such positive, focused questions rather than problem focused ones. That doesn't prevent you from doing it on your own. However, what do we do once we have the clarification? Once we have that answer to go on and create some connection, once we have the information, we must then use it.

[00:06:03] To find overlapping desires. The woman who feels resentful of her husband, what does she want? Well, you might think she wants him to do more around the house, but what would be the positive result of that? Well, then she could relax more and behave in a more loving way toward her husband. And what about him?

[00:06:24] He wants his wife to be more appreciative and less demanding. But how would that make things better for their relationship? Well, he might tell you that he would be more relaxed and want to help his wife more. Many couples who fight about the particulars often have the same desire of building the relationship.

[00:06:44] Let's go another level beyond that, and you do that by finding out if the husband would like for his wife to be more relaxed and loving toward him. Of course he would. Would she want her husband to be more relaxed and have a positive attitude about helping her? Of course she would. This matching of desires is where true connection happens, and not just with understanding thoughts and feelings.

[00:07:07] You don't need to see a therapist or a coach to start to get beyond understanding to matching. If your relationship is really bad, you may need help to get the fire burning and keep it going until you are sure it's not going to die out. But as long as you are talking, you can start practicing as soon as today.

[00:07:26] Let's go through some examples. 

[00:07:28] Connecting Responses vs. Defensive Responses

[00:07:28]Coach Jack: I'm going to give you some examples of good and bad responding. I'm going to start you with an easy example to better illustrate the concepts. Suppose your spouse says, I think we should hire a clown for the kid's party. Let me give you some examples of bad and good responses to this statement.

[00:07:46] Bad responding might sound something like this. Okay. Got it? Sure. Or not responding at all. I don't know about you, but I get irritated when people say, got it to me. It feels like they just want to cut off the conversation so they can move on. They've done the bare minimum of acknowledging what I said while showing disinterest.

[00:08:08] Wife says, I love you. Husband says, got it. Not good, right? Not, not good. Now don't be an okay. Got it. Kind of person. And if you tend not to respond at all, then either you need counseling or coaching because your spouse is going to start resenting that if he or she doesn't already. Let me give you an example of defensive responding.

[00:08:30] Defensive responding. Remember what your spouse has said. Spouse has said, I think we should hire a clown for the kid's party. A defensive response could be, where are we supposed to get the money for that? Now, it may be true that you can't afford to hire a clown. But even if that's the case, you don't need to respond defensively if money is an issue.

[00:08:52] You still want to validate first. Some people respond with a helpful response spouse one says, I think we should hire a clown for the kid's party. Spouse two says, okay, I'll schedule one. That is helpful and it will likely get appreciation. But appreciation and connection are not the same thing. Many people confuse those two things I.

[00:09:16] If you do lots of things that create appreciation, you'll be seen as nice, but that won't necessarily build an emotional connection. Many men end up in the friend zone or as Mr. Nice guy because while they're helpful, they failed to connect emotionally. I've worked with many men and women whose spouses were having affairs with people who weren't nearly as helpful, but who felt more similar to them.

[00:09:42] Similarity Trump's helpfulness. That doesn't mean you shouldn't help, but if that's all you're doing, you are not building connection. Now let's talk about the understanding response. Now, the understanding response is a step in the right direction. If you have been doing disagreeable responses and understanding, response might be something like this.

[00:10:04] Example, spouse one says, I think we should hire a clown for the kids' party. Spouse two says, you think the party would be more fun if we hired a clown? This would show if you were a spouse to that you understand your spouse's idea. But while understanding is important, it doesn't create connection. It simply helps avoid miscommunication.

[00:10:27] I help people to build relationships step at a time. So if you are going from miscommunication to understanding for sure, you're doing a great job. I just don't want you to stop at that level. Okay. Let's get to the connecting responses that actually strengthen relationships. What would a connecting response sound like when your spouse says, I think we should hire a clown for the kids party?

[00:10:50] A connecting response could be, that's a great idea. I bet the kids would love that. Here you are agreeing, showing a little emotion and matching your spouse's feelings about it. If you just say, that's a great idea, that's a great idea. That's a great idea. You'll sound like a parrot. That doesn't build connection.

[00:11:12] Don't go around saying, that's a great idea. Okay. A person who repeatedly says Good idea is better than the person who says, got it. Since there is some validation, it's not a lot better, however, but if you say, that's a great idea, I bet the kids would love that. You're making a simple but meaningful connection saying, I bet the kids would love that.

[00:11:37] Is giving an example of why you think it is a good idea. Your example came from your mind and is way better than just saying good idea or great idea. If your spouse wants your help, he or she can ask. Your spouse might say, would you mind scheduling one? Then you can agree. If you want to offer help, you can, but make sure you do the connecting response first.

[00:12:02] Let me give you an example. Using validation and indirect disagreement. Yeah, that's right. Sometimes you can disagree, but it's better to do it indirectly. That might sound something like this. That's a great idea. I bet the kids would love that, but can we really afford it? Or you may think it's a stupid idea, but you can still validate first.

[00:12:25] That's a creative idea. The kids might really like that, but what if it scares them? Instead? Hopefully you're getting the idea. Connection should come first. If you must disagree, then make it indirect. Many people have this skill at work, but don't use it at home. Let's take a little more difficult example.

[00:12:45] Suppose your husband or wife says. Sometimes I feel like a hamster running in a wheel and not getting anywhere. Here are some bad responses. Got it. What's your point? Or just not responding at all. How much do you think your spouse would enjoy hearing those responses? If you said a lot, you are wrong.

[00:13:06] Alright, so now your spouse is not going to like that. Let's talk about some defensive responses that push your spouse away. A defensive response might sound like this spouse. One says, sometimes I feel like a hamster running in a wheel and not getting anywhere. Spouse two says, I'm doing the best I can to take care of you and make your life more interesting.

[00:13:30] Some people personalize whatever their spouse says, which is a sign of insecurity. Even if someone is saying something bad about you, you don't need to react. Just imagine that they are hormonal. Emotionally handicapped crazy, or are giving you diamonds covered in mud. I like that last one because it leads to looking for the diamond rather than dismissing the person.

[00:13:54] Secure, people can admit their mistakes and find truth in what's being said rather than getting defensive. I've worked with quite a few people who are rather parental and they like to reassure with their responses. Lemme give you an example of that spouse one says. Sometimes I feel like a hamster running in a wheel and not getting anywhere.

[00:14:15] Spouse two says, you're doing a good job. You'll start making progress soon. I believe in you. That sounds nice, and it might make your spouse feel better for a moment, but it's not going to last. They will likely continue feeling the same way and come back for more reassurance. Reassurance can actually be invalidating.

[00:14:36] It tells your spouse that their feelings or ideas are wrong. You're essentially saying you shouldn't feel like that. You can't see reality. Your thinking is messed up. You should feel positive. Invalidation doesn't build connection even when it is reassuring, helping and reassuring our two behaviors that people like, which actually don't build connection, use them sparingly.

[00:15:00] They should be side dishes and not the main course. Understanding would be a step better than those two things. You might say something like this, I understand that you get frustrated and discouraged not seeing any improvement despite all your efforts. That's a good understanding response. Your spouse will probably say yes because he or she feels understood.

[00:15:23] Empathy and Agreement in Relationships

[00:15:23]Coach Jack: What I'm teaching you is that you can do even better than understanding with an empathetic or matching response if you want to create connection when someone is talking about their feelings. Then you need to empathize. Empathy is making someone feel normal about how they feel or their situation. It does not involve fixing, solving, or advising.

[00:15:45] For example, spouse one says, sometimes I feel like a hamster running in a wheel and not getting anywhere. Spouse two says, I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like there's got to be more to life than this. If you talk this way, your spouse will not only feel understood. He or she will feel like you get it on an emotional level, that some way that you feel matches the way he or she feels.

[00:16:12] Keep in mind to use empathy for feelings and to use agreement for ideas. We empathize with feelings or with situations. We use agreement for ideas. If you are a problem solver, this response will feel unnatural, but if you start doing it, you'll notice a much better response from your spouse. If you mainly focus on solving problems, understanding and helping, your spouse will go to you when he or she needs help, but will prefer to be with others when not needing help you become the helpful mom or dad rather than the boyfriend or girlfriend you need to be for companionship and romance.

[00:16:52] Right Motivations for Reconciliation

[00:16:52]Coach Jack: Did you know that the right motivations will steer you toward relationship improvement and reconciliation? The right motivations for reconciling certainly are not to convince your spouse that he or she is wrong in rejecting you, has the wrong feelings and needs to work on the relationship whether he or she wants to or not.

[00:17:11] That approach will only confirm to your spouse that the two of you are poorly matched for continuing to be married. What are the right motivations then? The right motivations for reconciling are to reconnect. And retract. You do that by becoming the kind of person who your spouse enjoys talking to, feels similar to and finds desirable.

[00:17:33] You need to be more like the kind of person you would be if attracted to your spouse and meeting him or her for the first time. Making these changes is your chance to become the person your spouse wouldn't want to lose. That is the way to prevent separation and divorce. 

[00:17:48] Conclusion and Further Resources

[00:17:48]Coach Jack: Would you like to learn even more skills for helping your spouse to enjoy talking with you?

[00:17:53] Head over to my website, coachjackito.com and click on downloads. Here you will find free and helpful tools for getting your spouse to enjoy talking with you. Again, you'll find a link in the podcast notes. If you're ready for more guidance, consider working with me directly through my Reconnections coaching package.

[00:18:12] Take action today to reconnect and reignite your relationship. Small changes that you make today could make all the difference tomorrow. 

[00:18:23]Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.