Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack

Midlife Crisis: How to Reconnect with Your Spouse

• Jack Ito PhD, Psychologist, Author, and Relationship Coach • Season 4 • Episode 10

Share episode

Midlife Crisis: How to Reconnect With Your Spouse

Facing your spouse's midlife crisis in your marriage can feel overwhelming and isolating. In this episode of Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack, Coach Jack uses his professional experience and real-life examples to guide you in effectively responding to your spouse’s midlife crisis and reconnecting on a deeper level.

What You'll Learn:

  • How to effectively communicate when your spouse is emotionally distant.
  • Common mistakes that push your spouse further away.
  • Using empathy as a powerful tool for reconnection.
  • Establishing healthy boundaries during turbulent times.

If you're struggling with your spouse’s midlife crisis and want practical strategies to reconnect, listen now and take the first step toward healing your relationship.

Start building a stronger connection today.

If you’re ready to respond effectively to your spouse’s midlife crisis and rebuild emotional connection, tune in now. For personalized guidance, explore Coach Jack’s Re-Connections Coaching Package or End Your Spouse's Affair Coaching Package.

Key Takeaways:

  • Responding effectively to your spouse’s words can save your relationship.
  • Empathy, not sympathy, creates genuine emotional connection.
  • Connecting through shared desires for change can reignite attraction.
  • Clear boundaries prevent further relationship damage.
  • Professional coaching can help resolve deep conflicts.

Additional Resources:

Midlife Crisis How to Reconnect With Your Spouse

[00:00:00] Introduction to Reconciling Marriages

[00:00:00]Announcer: On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse.

[00:00:20] Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love. 

[00:00:28] Understanding Midlife Crisis in Relationships

[00:00:28]Coach Jack: A midlife crisis can derail a relationship. But it is also an opportunity for an improved relationship. 

[00:00:35] How you respond will make a big difference. In fact, I've found the number one factor for making good relationships is simply learning how to respond to everything which your spouse says.

[00:00:46] There are more things to do, of course, in building a relationship, like making sure you are being a desirable person. But if you don't know how to respond when your spouse talks, it doesn't matter how desirable you make yourself, you're still not going to do well with relationships. So today I'm going to teach you how to respond to someone who is going through a midlife crisis and perhaps is losing interest in your relationship.

[00:01:09] Case Study: Sarah's Story

[00:01:09]Coach Jack: Let's start with an example of a woman I will call Sarah. Let's suppose that Sarah is middle aged and she's been married for about 25 years. Her and her husband have two children in their teens, and Sarah describes her relationship with her husband as having been pretty good over the years. And they've both enjoyed raising their family and doing lots of family activities together, as well as having some meaningful couple time.

[00:01:34] She admits that their relationship became less intimate, and they spent less one on one time than they used to, but she still considered their relationship to be pretty good. Sarah says that about two years ago, her husband's father died. Now, when his father died, it was a very hard blow for him, and he had a tough time getting through the grieving period.

[00:01:54] He lost interest in activities, he lost interest in his relationship, and was fairly withdrawn for a while. Sarah could understand this given how close her husband's relationship had been with his father and remained a supportive wife, and even picking up more of the slack for things that her husband just didn't feel like doing during those times.

[00:02:15] She helped her kids to understand the depression that her husband was going through and told them that they just needed to be patient. As time went on, her husband's grieving did become better. He was becoming a little more active around the home. And then he started to become more active outside the home.

[00:02:35] He even returned to activities like working out, and he was becoming more social with his friends. Sarah was really glad to see that, and she was anticipating getting back to a really good marriage with her husband. The thing is, though, her husband didn't seem to have any renewed interest in their relationship.

[00:02:52] He also didn't have any renewed interest in doing things with the children. Sarah had figured that he would be getting around to that and that he was still grieving somewhat. And that his starting to be social and more active was just kind of a transition middle point between the grieving and getting back to a close relationship with her and the kids again.

[00:03:12] However, that didn't really happen. Sarah tried to stimulate that by being more interested in her husband and trying to spend more time with him and being nicer to him. But it seemed like he really wasn't very interested in her approaches or pursuits. Sarah tried to organize family activities. Her husband did things with the family, but he often would be on his phone or tuned out and into his own activities, even when they were supposed to be doing things together as a family.

[00:03:43] Sarah talked to her husband about this and told him her concerns and how she wanted to get back to doing things together with him. And she figured that he would want to do that as well. And she was surprised when he said that he wanted time and space to figure out what he wanted and whether he even wanted to continue their marriage or not.

[00:04:04] That came as a huge shock for Sarah and she right away became very reactive and trying to get her husband to go to counseling and to talk about problems with her. Uh, but Her husband really wasn't interested in working on anything and just kept telling her that he just needs to make some time to figure out what he wants.

[00:04:23] Sarah was naturally concerned that her husband might decide that he didn't want to be in the marriage anymore, and she wasn't sure what to do in this situation. Now this is the point when many people work with me to figure out what is the best approach for making sure that they can maintain their marriage.

[00:04:41] and stop their spouse from separating. 

[00:04:44] The Impact of Midlife Crisis on Relationships

[00:04:44]Coach Jack: Before I get into my recommendations for how to handle this situation, let's take a minute to talk about midlife crisis. A midlife crisis happens when people realize that they're mortal, although most of us know that on some level. We don't really go around thinking, Oh, you know, every day of my life is one less day I have left to live.

[00:05:05] That's when you get in touch with your mortality. Midlife crisis often happens later in life when we have fewer years in front of us than behind us, though it can happen with younger people as well. What sets off this new realization of how mortal we are usually is when somebody else dies or we have a near death experience.

[00:05:25] That really brings home the reality of death that we may never have thought about before that much. When people realize that they're mortal, there's a few different things that can happen. One is that nothing much might happen. People prepare for their, their funerals or their gravesites or whatever they need to do practically, but then carry on with their lives.

[00:05:44] These are the people who are generally enjoying their lives. They like their career. They like their family. They like their friends. They have no reason to change anything. And if they just keep going the way that they are, they don't feel like they will have any regrets at all and will be thankful for having lived a life that they enjoyed.

[00:06:03] People who have lives like that are not going to be experiencing midlife crisis. no matter how short they realize their life is. Other people, though, are dissatisfied with some aspects of their lives and don't want to end up with a regret for having done a particular thing. all of their life and missed out on something else they could have had.

[00:06:22] And it might just be one thing from their life. It might be that they've always had a dream of traveling to Europe, for example. And so when they realize that they are mortal, they start saving up for that trip or planning that trip so that they can do it and they don't end up with a future regret. Some people realize that they're in a career that they don't enjoy.

[00:06:41] Even though they might be making a lot of money, they decide that they no longer want to do that. And they give up their job in medicine in order to become an artist or something like that, where they might feel more fulfilled. Other people, however, are dissatisfied with many parts of their lives. And These are the people that undergo what we would consider a full blown midlife crisis.

[00:07:05] They make many changes in themselves so that they will definitely not be able to continue in the same lifestyle. They may quit their job, divorce their spouses, uh, buy a motorcycle, dress differently, get a tattoo, get into shape, make a new group of friends, join different kinds of activities, and basically try to reinvent themselves.

[00:07:29] Someone can go from being very conservative to being very risqué. Their midlife crisis is initially fear driven, fearing ending up with regrets for not having done what they've really wanted to do in their life, or having missed out on things which other people have been able to experience. But as they become more involved in making changes, then what motivates them to continue is their interest in doing new things, and maybe the fun and excitement.

[00:07:56] and just difference that they're having in the changes that they're making. Naturally, when people make changes and they're enjoying them much more than their previous lifestyle, they're not going to want to go back and, uh, get into their previous lifestyle again. This is the dilemma when you are married to someone who's having a midlife crisis, is that you really want them to come back into their previous lifestyle, but they have no interest in doing that.

[00:08:23] So the harder you try to talk them into working in counseling or working on the marriage or getting back to doing whatever it was they were doing, the more they will want to avoid you, distance from you, and the more interest they actually will have in other people who are encouraging them to make changes.

[00:08:40] Effective Strategies to Handle Midlife Crisis

[00:08:40]Coach Jack: So, if we handle a midlife crisis incorrectly, we can actually push our spouses towards affairs at this time. As you can see, the convincing approach is not going to work in this situation, and actually, the convincing approach doesn't work in any situation that I have ever worked with. You know, if your spouse is having an affair, your spouse is divorcing you, Your spouse is doing whatever, trying to convince them to do something they don't want to do.

[00:09:04] It's just going to create more distance in your life. Usually I help people to fix their relationship by working on connection skills, being more attractive, and having good boundaries. And that also holds true for this situation. But in a little different way. If you just work on becoming more attractive, more desirable, it's very unlikely to be able to compete with the desires of your spouse who wants something new and different and feels like he or she has been missing out by staying in this relationship with you.

[00:09:35] Also, the more you try to connect with your spouse, the more distance you're likely to get because your spouse really is not wanting to connect with you at this time. Having boundaries certainly isn't going to work. Even an extreme boundary, like telling your spouse, Hey, you need to be part of the family, or I'm going to divorce you, is likely to be met with, well, I understand, and that's okay, because I really was thinking I didn't want to stay in the marriage anyhow.

[00:10:00] Some people take a supportive approach when their spouse is having a midlife crisis. Supportive approach, basically, is just encouraging your spouse to go do whatever he or she wants to do, and remaining available for when your spouse wants to interact. with no kind of pressure to do so. People that use a supportive approach often have the idea that just being supportive is going to help your spouse to try out new things for a while, kind of get it out of his system or her system, realize that it's not so great, and come back into the family.

[00:10:33] And carry on business as usual. That is possible if your spouse actually has a bad time with all those new changes that he or she is trying. Many times what people in a midlife crisis discover is that actually they have lots of fun and renewed interest in life by changing things. And they don't want to go back into the same situation again.

[00:10:56] The midlife crisis does come to an end, of course, but at that time, they're still wanting to maintain elements of whatever they have received during their midlife crisis. That might be their new career, it might be their renewed interest in activities, it might be the new relationships they have, and if they've had a good time having an affair or dating other people.

[00:11:19] Even if that relationship ends, they're likely to create yet even more types of romantic relationships in order to continue to have those exciting feelings that they had in the affair situations. This is why I'm not a big fan of the supportive approach. Although, of course, it will work if your spouse tries out new things and he or she finds, well, it's really not that good, new friends are no better than the old ones, in fact, they're worse, or it's hard to make friends.

[00:11:48] or they have bad dating experiences. Then they will come back into the marriage with kind of a renewed appreciation for what they already have. That's the prodigal son story, which certainly holds true for people who often have a bad time. The risk is, however, that your spouse won't have a bad time. So, what can you do that's going to help to minimize these risks and to continue your relationship when the midlife crisis is over for your spouse?

[00:12:14] Empathy and Connection: Key to Rebuilding

[00:12:14]Coach Jack: My recommended approach, whether for somebody who just wants a divorce, somebody who's having an affair, somebody who's having a midlife crisis, is to always start with empathy. Empathy is not the same as sympathy. A supportive approach should be more sympathetic. A supportive approach is like, well, I know you really need this, you really feel this way, so I'm going to help you to have it.

[00:12:35] It's very sympathetic because you're helping the other person and it creates an appreciative response rather than connection. Appreciation and connection are two different things. When we do things for people, they appreciate it. But it doesn't connect us. What connects us with others is when they feel like we are similar to them.

[00:12:54] People like to hang out and do things with people who they feel are similar to them. That doesn't stop being true just because your spouse is having a midlife crisis. So, one way to take advantage of this is to actually have a midlife crisis with your spouse. Now, I don't mean that you need to be pretending to have a midlife crisis.

[00:13:13] You can actually figure out some things in your life that you were kind of dissatisfied with, too. And some things that, you know, if you thought you only had a certain amount of time to live, that you might like to do, as long as you can find some of those things, and you probably will, since you haven't been enjoying your relationship with your spouse for a while, then you'll be able to do it.

[00:13:35] Connect with your spouse based on the idea that you don't want to continue life as usual and later on feel like you've missed out either. So although you probably went through this initial situation of trying to convince your husband or wife not to do this midlife crisis stuff, you can then go back and say, you know, I think you might have the right idea.

[00:13:55] I realize that I haven't really been enjoying our relationship for a while. I was trying to talk you out of making changes because I was kind of afraid of what would happen. But, you know, I'm thinking that I could end up with some regrets later if I don't make some changes myself. That's probably going to pique the curiosity of your spouse.

[00:14:15] And then, uh, you can share some of your thinking about that. For example, you can say, Yeah, you know, even though our relationship was really close at first, it has been pretty disconnected over the last couple of years. I don't think I'd really be happy if we just continued our relationship that way. You know, it'd be much better, uh, for me, you know, as well as you, if we could, you know, find some other friends or interests that we could do.

[00:14:39] Even if it means we're not going to be together anymore. Now, I can hear your reaction to this, like, Wow, I don't want to say such a thing to my husband or wife, because that's going to encourage them just to get out of our relationship. Actually, no it's not. It works the other way. You've got to realize that your spouse is going to do this midlife crisis stuff, no matter what you say.

[00:15:01] So you're not really pushing them in that direction. What you are doing by mentioning that your relationship could end, and that might actually be a good thing for both of you, is creating a little anxiety in your spouse. You see, people feel really comfortable to go off and do their midlife crisis stuff as long as they have that base of safety.

[00:15:20] They know that they can come back to you anytime they want to should things not work out. If you're having a midlife crisis too, which could result in the relationship ending, that creates a little anxiety in your spouse. And that anxiety is very helpful. for helping your spouse to want to be actively involved with you, and it also helps your spouse's feelings to grow for you.

[00:15:43] You might have noticed that it's our fear of losing our spouse that intensifies our feelings for him or her. Well, that's not true just for you, it's true for your spouse as well. As long as your husband or wife thinks that he or she can go do this stuff and you'll take him or her back at any time, then it's not going to be building their feelings for you.

[00:16:03] You don't need to say a really strong thing to make your spouse fearful, just maybe suggesting that you'd like to try some new things in your life too, and it could result in the end of your relationship, but hey, that could be good for both of you. You have to be secure to say such things, of course, but you also need to be able to see the truth in them.

[00:16:23] The worst way to keep your relationship is by begging and pleading and convincing and arguing. That will just push the other person away. By empathizing and being secure, you often can re interest the other person in your life. Well, that's one thing you might say, but your spouse might be interested in some things that You know, you'd like to try.

[00:16:44] You're not going to mention dating other people. That's one of those things that can really damage your marriage and make it harder to reconcile. But you can say other things. For example, if you've always wanted to travel, you might say, You know, I'm tired of just living my life in this town. I think I would like to go You know, on some exciting trip somewhere.

[00:17:05] Maybe stay in a really nice place and just have a good time. Something like that. You know, it doesn't have to be very specific when you're just saying that. And your spouse might follow up with more questions about that or say that he or she would like to do that too. And then you guys can just have a good time talking about that.

[00:17:23] Like, oh, where would you like to go? And. You two can talk about that, you know, for an hour while you have coffee or a margarita or whatever, and just be connecting over these things that you'd like to do, getting out of the rut that you two have had or, you know, making sure you're not missing out on something that you've always wanted to do.

[00:17:44] Hopefully you can see what I'm saying is that you can start to reconnect with your spouse, even during the start of a midlife crisis, as long as you can get on board with the idea that just staying with things as usual is is not the best plan. The main skills you need to have for building your relationship this way is agreement and empathy.

[00:18:03] You also need to make sure that you're avoiding disagreement. You also need to have good boundaries if your spouse is talking about having an open marriage or dating other people. While you can build your relationship around creating change, you don't want to do anything which encourages an affair. 

[00:18:20] Practical Tips and Coaching Recommendations

[00:18:20]Coach Jack: You may be able to do all of this on your own, And I think that's great if you can, but let me tell you sometimes that you might want to get extra help such as from coaching.

[00:18:30] I would recommend that you get extra help if your relationship now is conflicted. If your relationship is conflicted, probably no matter what you say to your spouse, it's not really going to help you to get on the same page to start building. You need someone to help you to end the conflict and get on that same page so that you can continue to build by yourself.

[00:18:51] Also, if your spouse is having an affair already, then you need to know how to manage that with correct boundaries while also continuing to build your relationship through similarity. That balance is difficult for many people, and they often end up either being too strict with their boundaries or making a situation where their spouse has their cake and eats it too.

[00:19:14] That's never good because it contributes to the spouse not wanting to go back to the committed monogamous situation. If you do want those kinds of help, for the conflicted situation, I would recommend my Re-Connections Coaching Package. And for the situation where your spouse is already having an affair, My Coaching Package for Ending a Spouse's Affair.

[00:19:34] Both of those coaching packages are available at coachjackito.com. 

[00:19:41] Conclusion and Further Resources

[00:19:41]Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.