Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack

Hate Your Husband? How to Rekindle Your Relationship

• Jack Ito PhD, Psychologist, Author, and Relationship Coach • Season 4 • Episode 4

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On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

On today's episode, Coach Jack teaches women how to go from hating their husbands to having a good marriage again.

After listening to today's episode, you may want to:

Hate Your Husband? How to Rekindle Your Relationship

(Podcast Transcript)

(0:00)

[Introduction to the podcast]

Announcer: On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

(0:29)

Coach Jack: You have three choices when it comes to living with a husband you hate. You can divorce him, you can suffer with him, or you can take steps to make things better for both of you.

It’s that third choice that I want to help you with today. Don’t get me wrong. If your husband is a really terrible man with no redeeming values, I think you should divorce him and never look back. The only good alternative to a divorce is a good marriage. And, if you can’t have one, you aren’t doing anyone any favors.

(1:00)

While God hates divorce, I don’t think He likes us staying married and hating each other any better. It simply goes against everything He teaches us in the Bible. Let’s not look at divorce as a solution, however. Divorce is more like an amputation. It is a rejection of something that could only become worse, and if left unchecked, would be worse.

What I have found in my thirty years of working as a psychologist and relationship coach is that most of the time, that amputation is not necessary. That there is a path to healing. I encourage men and women to first and foremost keep themselves safe from abuse. Then, to do as much as possible to recreate a good marriage.

That’s a hard thing to do emotionally when you already feel hate for your husband, but we only become stronger when we do hard things. If you can love your enemy, as Christians are told to do, your ability to love will become stronger.

(2:00)

You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:43-45, NIV.

Divorcing your husband will be a more loving thing to do than behaving in a hateful way toward him as if it were your job to pass judgement on him and make sure that he suffers throughout your marriage. But, before you do that, why not do all you can to reconcile? Although you may have already tried and tried to do that, bear with me and you may find that you have still more things to try.

How did you get to the point of hating the man you once loved?

Relationship problems can happen in new or old relationships. Usually, they gradually get worse over a period of years. 

The most common reasons marriages deteriorate are:

  • not prioritizing time together, 
  • not treating each other in a loving way, 
  • becoming jealous of our spouse, 
  • not sharing equally with finances, 
  • secretive behaviors, and 
  • lack of respect.

Any one of those issues is like a pebble in our shoe–small, but quite irritating. But, add even more pebbles and all we can do is to hobble through the relationship. If you are at the point where you hate your husband, it is a good bet that he isn’t very fond of you either. Probably you are still together out of obligation or out of fear.

Once those obligations are gone, or the fear is, the marriage will end if it is not already improved. Far more people would divorce than do if they weren’t afraid of being alone if they did. 

(3:05)

In recent years there is a trend for women to divorce their husbands while maintaining their friendship. This alleviates the fear of being alone, but it is only a short term solution.

Most men will remarry faster than most women. Women who divorce and try to keep their relationship with their husband at the same time soon find that their husbands are enjoying other women more than them. Men remarry. The children get a second mom. For sure women can get more freedom and independence by divorcing, but many will end up lonely.

There is a reason that married people want to be single and single people want to be married. 

What your feeling of hate for your husband means

Hate is protective feeling. It is a primitive way of staying clear, scaring away, or destroying whatever is detestable to us. 

(3:59)

We are not going to hate things or people that are enjoyable, even if they are bad for us. In that case, we have to rely on discipline to stay away. On the other hand, we can hate good things or people, if we find them detestable. 

Drugs, alcohol, pornography, and affairs are all example of things that would be great to hate, and they are–by people who don’t use them. For people who do, only discipline can help them to stay away or get help.

If you could flip a switch and just love your husband, as some people advocate, I would advise you not to do it. It is very unlikely that you hate him for no good reason. You initially loved him, but then things changed–he changed. Unless they get better again, it is not time to drop your defenses and open your heart. That would be foolish.

Beware anyone who advises you to just love someone who is emotionally or physically dangerous. Their good intentions can make things worse.

(5:01)

It is easier to love tigers from a safe distance than it is to love them up close.

The problems that can lead to hating your husband and what you can do about it

A woman can come to hate her husband as a result of communication problems

Typical communication problems that cause anger and resentment are:

  • misunderstandings, 
  • lack of enjoyable communication, 
  • frustrations caused by conflict instead of good problem solving

Communication problems for one spouse usually results in communication problems for the other. In that case, marriage counseling is a good choice. Marriage counseling should help each person to say all that they want to say, be listened to by their partner, and for the partner to do the same. That takes care of misunderstandings.

Ideally, the counselor will help the couple to learn to talk and listen to each other in different ways that don’t cause conflict. And, new problem solving methods can be practiced as a couple in counseling sessions and continue to be used at home.

(6:07)

Once each partner is heard and understood and problem solving has been learned, continuing in therapy is mainly only useful for continuing to practice the same things. Once sessions become redundant, there is little to be gained by continuing. In fact, continuing may lead to feelings of hopelessness. 

That’s because other skills are still needed and not because things are hopeless.

A woman may hate her husband as the result of emotional neglect

Typical emotional issues that cause anger and resentment are:

  • feeling emotionally unsupported
  • not being appreciated
  • less physical closeness
  • a husband who only talks business
  • rigid, inflexible husband, who believes the only right way is his way

If you think these behaviors are resulting from ignorance, misunderstanding, or poor problem solving, then couple’s counseling would be good to try. 

(7:04)

If the reasons are due to selfishness, then couple’s counseling won’t be helpful. In that case, marriage coaching for you only will be a better approach. I will talk about that shortly.

A woman may hate her husband as the result of trust and emotional issues

Typical trust issues that cause anger and resentment are:

  • unreliability and not keeping promises
  • not doing his fair share of the responsibilities
  • cheating or inordinate interest in other women
  • secretive behaviors
  • addictions

If your husband is doing these kinds of things he definitely will not want to go to marriage counseling. He already knows what he is doing is wrong and doesn’t care to expose it to the counselor or anyone else. He will continue to do these behaviors as long as he can get away with them. Only coaching can teach you the boundaries necessary to get him to stop.

(8:02)

A woman may hate her husband as the result of disrespectful behavior

Typical ways that men can disrespect women are:

  • verbal abuse such as severe or constant criticism, demeaning, belittling, name calling, and shouting
  • disrespect and dismissiveness
  • interrogating and controlling behaviors
  • financial control
  • being lower in priority than work or friends

These men are fearful of anything going wrong with them, their desires, their money, or their relationship. So, they try to control everything they can to make sure nothing bad comes to pass. Unfortunately, their very behavior is the biggest threat to the relationship as women can’t stand them very long unless they are very submissive and needy.

You will need to learn good boundaries in coaching to deal with this kind of man. Alternatively, you can see a counselor for help in letting go of your relationship and becoming more independent. 

(9:03)

Also, because most women who are staying with this kind of man are fearful of being alone or upsetting their husbands, individual counseling is often needed first. 

In order to use boundaries well, many women need to get over their fear of abandonment first. Otherwise, they won’t keep their boundaries and end up getting even more disrespect.

Boundaries are only effective if used consistently, regardless of how angry they make the other person.

Love must be tough. There is nothing loving about being codependent for a husband’s mistreatment as it ruins the relationship for both husband and wife.

A woman may hate her husband as the result of controlling behavior

Typical controlling behaviors that lead to anger and resentment are:

  • a husband refusing to allow his wife to have a career
  • a husband refusing to allow his wife to be a stay at home mom or homemaker
  • a lack of support or partnership
  • double standards with freedoms

(10:06)

These kinds of problems can result from poor communication. Many men are just not aware of their wife’s needs or expectations. They have logically reasoned with their wives about these things and consider the issue to be resolved when it really isn’t.

Giving your husband a wake up call that it’s the beginning of the end unless you two go to marriage counseling and work on these things may be helpful. Simply stating your wishes or complaints won’t help if he is Mr. Logical. He needs someone to help him to understand the emotional impact of his behaviors. Marriage counseling can be a good place to do that.

Once your husband does understand the importance of what you want, and how it impacts your feelings toward him, he either will change or not. If he makes some change–even a little–make sure to make that a good experience for him.

(11:00)

If you go to work and then neglect him or quit your career, but spend money as if you didn’t, then it won’t work out.

If he understands, but just doesn’t care, then the issue is selfishness. People can’t be talked out of selfishness. Boundaries have to put them in the position of missing out on something important to them if they don’t learn to cooperate. Boundaries work great with selfish men as you work with their motivations to get them to change. No convincing is involved. Boundaries are best learned from a relationship coach.

Going from hating to loving your husband doesn’t happen in one step

Success in all things requires the right steps, in the right order, at the right pace. It doesn’t matter whether what you are trying to achieve is emotional or practical. There is simply no way that you are going to be able to flip some mental switch and start loving a husband tomorrow who you hate today.

(12:01)

Changing our beliefs about things or people we hate are the key to ending our hate.

You will need to work through these steps:

  • Give your husband an excuse (poor childhood role models, psychological disorder, influenced by friends, low intelligence, kicked in the head by a cow, or anything that helps you to see him as a primary victim, while you are a secondary victim).
  • Realize that your husband can’t change himself without more guidance and motivation due to this excuse (because he was kicked by a cow, you will have to help him to do better)
  • Stop any codependence for his controlling, abusive, neglectful, or irresponsible behaviors (attacking and arguing won’t get you what you want from him, but neither will becoming submissive)
  • Respond to him in a way that demonstrates two things. One is that you love him (even if you have to fake it for a while), and the second is that you are no longer following the old pattern that leaves him in control. 

(13:10)

  • The reason you must be loving is that otherwise his fear and anger will just cause a massive explosion and/or distancing.
  • Men can gradually change for women who love them, but not for women who reject them.
  • As his behavior improves, make it pay off for him, and continue to be loving (that will get easier because of his improved behavior).
  • Continue to get the best from your husband with loving behaviors and boundaries. That is the way all healthy relationships are, by the way. Humans have a sin nature and without structure they tend toward chaos. For sure my wife will not allow me to do and say whatever I want. 

(13:59)

  • It’s not because she wants to control me. It’s because she loves me and wants to keep a good relationship with me. The same as we do for our kids, right?

Forgiveness is the antidote to hating your husband

I could say a lot about forgiveness, but I will only say a few things. First off, lack of forgiveness, just like hate, is a protective thing. It keeps us at arm’s length or more from the other person to reduce our risk of being hurt by them again. But, we can get stuck in unforgiveness even when we don’t need it anymore.

It took me many years to forgive an abusive father long after the danger from him was over. I know first hand what it feels like to hate and how to forgive. And I know how much better I feel for having forgiven everyone (including myself). I wish the same for you.

(14:54)

Following the step by step process I talked about, you can get to the place where forgiveness is easier because you will feel less vulnerable. You will have learned how to protect yourself in healthier ways than carrying around the burdens of hate and unforgiveness.

You need to give your husband an excuse in your mind, just as I talked about before. The more you can make excuses for other people’s behaviors, the less you will be angry with them. Let me give you an example of how a woman might make an excuse for her husband’s previous affair. She could tell herself:

He wasn’t very self-disciplined and didn’t think through how cheating could ruin our relationship. He was tempted, as all men are, and gave in to stupidity as we all have done. He’s not a worse person than me. He has just done his harm in other ways.

Some women would like to set me on fire for saying such a thing. I am not trying to excuse his behavior which was wrong and always will be wrong. Women who would leave such a man are free to do so and I wouldn’t blame them at all. 

(16:01)

But, if you are going to keep such a man, you need to have a way to forgive because, if you can’t, your lack of forgiveness will do more harm to your marriage than his cheating did.

Keep in mind that we don’t forgive while the behavior is still going on, but only after it has stopped.

God wants us to forgive others and to not judge them. That’s as much for our benefit as for the benefit of others. My carrying around hate in my heart didn’t hurt my father. It hurt me. It was a heavy weight and not until I forgave him did that burden come off my back. Even women who divorce need to have a way to get that burden off their back.

We can’t hold on to the past and move forward at the same time.

I have said much more about this topic in my book, A Christian Guide to Preventing and Ending Men’s Affairs. Much of the material would apply to other betrayals as well.

(16:59)

An example of how one woman gave up her hatred of her husband and improved her marriage

I’ve had many female clients who were very angry with their husbands, but wanted to give it one last shot before divorcing. Many times they were still fearful of divorce, but had reached the point where they could be stronger. Fixing relationships takes strength–not for fighting, but for secure responding as well as behaving well when you don’t feel like it.

Let’s consider a client I will call Lisa, who was very angry with her husband. In fact she constantly thought about that how bad he was. Although she didn’t use the word hate, she certainly treated him that way. She no longer enjoyed her life and blamed all of her misery on her husband. 

Lisa’s husband had cheated on her several years before, and he hadn’t cheated since then, but he was constantly on the lookout for other women. He would treat most any woman nicely and flirtatiously, except Lisa. 

(18:03)

Lisa had fought with him many times over this behavior and finally got him to the point of not openly flirting or talking to other women for fear of Lisa’s wrath. Of course it didn’t improve their relationship. It just created a guard dog situation.

Do you want to hate him until he leaves you?

I helped Lisa to consider how she made her husband feel about her. He didn’t enjoy the relationship, which was likely much worse for him than his affair had been. If he found someone who was willing, he might just go ahead and leave her permanently since he would never be forgiven anyhow. 

Lisa agreed to my approach of stopping her needy behaviors and simultaneously validating her husband more. She thought that would just make him feel free to flirt with other women. I told her it might, but we would be using boundaries to put a stop to that, but it was not her first step.

(18:58)

I taught Lisa how to respond to her husband with validation rather than criticism, complaints, or arguments. Lisa said she had to bite her tongue a lot and slipped up sometimes, but on the whole had more peaceful interactions with her husband. Her husband was suspicious at her change in behavior, which was to be expected.

I told Lisa it was good that she was still arguing sometimes, since sudden complete changes are less effective than gradual ones. Gradual change seems more natural and brings less resistance.

I helped Lisa to come up with some boundaries for how to react when her husband was flirting or leering at other women and encouraged her to create those opportunities rather than avoid them. That was a very different idea for her, but she liked the challenge. The first time Lisa left her husband in a public situation and went home alone, her husband was shocked. Rather than fight about it afterwards, Lisa just went back to treating him nicely, as I was teaching her.

(20:00)

By the time we had reached her fourth session, Lisa was reporting that she and her husband were getting along much better. She still had steps to go before getting to love and intimacy, but this was a very good change in a very bad pattern that had gone on for years.

Nothing I could have done for Lisa would ever have taken away her husband’s desire for other women, as that was common to all men. What I could do was help her to get more attention and affection from her husband and to curb his behavior in an effective, non-conflict way.

Rebuilding your relationship is the best way to deal with hating your husband

Boundaries need to be crafted to the particular behavior, but are only effective when we help our spouse to value our relationship first.

I hope today that I’ve given you some reasons to stop hating for your own happiness, if not for your husband’s. And, I hope that you can see you have choices–maybe even the possibility of reconnecting with your husband. If you can get more love and affection, I’m sure it will go a long way toward your not hating him.

(21:02)

If you need the kind of help that Lisa got, please see my coaching package for restoring a loving relationship with a difficult spouse, available on my website at coachjackito.com.

(21:14)

[Podcast wrap-up]

Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.