Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack

How to Make Your Wife Sexually Attracted to You Again

• Jack Ito PhD, Psychologist, Author, and Relationship Coach • Season 4 • Episode 2

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On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

On today's episode, Coach Jack teaches men how to get their wives to sexually desire them again.

After listening to today's episode, you may want to:

How to Make Your Wife Sexually Attracted to You Again

 (Podcast Transcript)

(0:00)

[Introduction to the podcast]

Announcer: On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

(0:29)

Coach Jack: Is your wife losing her sexual desire for you? Today, I’ll help you discover if she is, and how you can turn on her sexual attraction for you again.

People often think that if they have lost a feeling that it is not going to be coming back. That’s because they can’t self create it. When our spouse has lost feelings, whether sexual or loving, it is up to us to recreate the feelings in them.

(0:55)

We certainly can’t pressure our spouse to feel something she doesn’t. But, we can change the way she experiences us, turning her feelings back on. I have helped many men to rebuild love in wives who have said that they were not in love with them anymore.

If someone doesn’t feel in love with you, it doesn’t mean they never will. Your wife wasn’t in love with you from the minute you met her, was she? And, I’m sure you have seen many times in your marriage where she wasn’t in love with you or very sexual. People simply are not turned on all the time, and after marriage they don’t feel in love most of the time either.

Feelings come, feelings go, and they can come back again.

If someone is not sexually attracted to you, it doesn’t mean they never will be. Don’t try to tell them that unless you are in the mood for rejection. Instead, take a step by step approach to building the feelings in her again. She is not going to agree that she can feel those things for you again until she does, so don’t bother to discuss it with her.

(2:00)

If she used to be sexual and now isn’t, what went wrong? 

Importance of maintaining a healthy and fulfilling sex life

Not making connection time

An enjoyable sex life for both partners is one of the three cornerstones of a strong, intimate relationship. The other two are daily one on one time together, and regular, enjoyable dating. These three activities work to support each other. Daily time together promotes enjoyable dating, which promotes an enjoyable sexual relationship. Men who complain about a lack of sex have often fallen short in spending daily time together and/or dating.

Routine is not stimulating

Mindfulness and variety are needed to prevent these three cornerstones from becoming routine. Routine behaviors become automatic and we don’t have the same feelings anymore. Experienced drivers, for example, don’t think about their driving. They think about all sorts of things while their subconscious does the driving.

(3:04)

Only when a near accident happens will we suddenly focus on our driving. This happens in many relationships, too. We can sit with our spouse and talk while thinking about other things, date while thinking about other things, and have sex while thinking about other things. I think you can see how that would decrease any feelings associated with those activities.

And let’s consider rushed sex

Besides not making time for each other and routine, another common problem leading to lack of love and sexual desire is rushed sex. Only having a half hour window to have sex may work well for men, but is not going to work very well for women. Women need to be helped to transition from whatever they were doing to a place of comfort and connection. After that, they are ready to be turned on.

(3:59)

When it comes to sex, men are like an off/on switch; women are more like a dimmer switch. 

Skipping the transition time and expecting a woman to be turned on sexually will be more of a mechanical performance on her part. Women need the before, during, and after phases of sex to all be good. A man who is just focused on the action may be training his wife to find him not an enjoyable sexual partner, which would naturally lead to her not being sexually attracted to him anymore.

Stress and sexual desire don’t go together

Stress takes the fun out of everything, including sex. While sex can be a temporary stress reducer, stress also interferes with feeling sexual. Sex can become something similar to drinking a morning coffee–a fix. I drink coffee every morning, but typically while I’m doing other things. I’m not really savoring my cup of coffee.

(4:58)

If your wife is stressed with work, money, childcare, a physical problem, or any other thing, her sexual desire is going to plummet. Often people need to get extra help and reduce demands to de-stress in order to save their relationship. Having a good reason to be stressed won’t make feelings come back.

We have to actually reduce the stress, no matter how good of a reason we have to be stressed. Men also need to learn how to help their wives to feel relaxed and not add to the stress. If you typically give your wife demands and problems rather than comfort and validation, she is going to avoid you. Intentional avoidance reduces desire.

Is her sexual desire for you gone? Let’s look at some of the …

Signs that indicate your wife may not be sexually attracted to you

The first is a high rate of rejection

(5:54)

Being attentive to your wife’s behavior and mood is essential for understanding her needs, when to approach her, when you are upsetting her, and when to go work in the garage. Some men seem oblivious to their wife’s mood, which creates a hit and miss scenario. They will approach or initiate often, because sometimes they will be successful. Unfortunately it reduces the rate of success.

If you pay attention to your wife’s mood and either help her to have a better mood or only approach her when she has a good mood, you will increase your rate of success with her. It will also give her a better experience with you. Every time she needs to reject you, it decreases her desire for you.

Physical touch changes

If your wife previously initiated physical touch, whether sexual or not, and has decreased or stopped, it is a clear indicator she is not desiring physical interaction with you. Also, if she previously responded well to your nonsexual touch, but now seems indifferent or rejecting, it is a clear indication that she is not desiring you physically.

(7:06)

Some women never initiate physical touch, even if they like it, for fear that their husbands will believe they are initiating sex. Also, some men only touch their wives when they want to have sex. Unfortunately, this results in a big reduction in nonsexual touch. Nonsexual touch is important for keeping a connected relationship.

Just because a woman wants to hold your hand doesn’t mean she wants sex. However, it’s a good bet that a woman who does not want to hold your hand does not want sex.

Many men need to gradually introduce nonsexual touch and in very minor ways to help their wives to become more comfortable with their touch. These same men also need to respond to casual touch in casual ways rather than sexual ways. How much passion she puts into her touch is going to be a big indicator of her interests. Stop trying to go from zero to sixty in three seconds.

(8:06)

Does your wife have less desire for shared activities

If your wife stops wanting to date you or do activities together, it is a good bet she is not sexually desiring you either. It can get confusing however, because your wife may still have sex with you as a way to reduce her stress. If she likes to have sex with you, but not do things with you, then she is sexually using you for her own purposes. She is not desiring you sexually; she is just desiring sex. Many men are the same way.

While that may seem okay to you, this situation commonly leads to affairs and/or divorce. Women want to be with men they enjoy talking with, doing things with, and having sex with, in that order.

(8:55)

If your wife is having sex with you, but not other activities, take that as your cue to start working on helping her to enjoy talking with you. After that, start dating her again.

Communication breakdown and lack of intimacy

Initiating sex with your wife starts with enjoyable conversation

Enjoyable communication is the foundation upon which a strong relationship is built, especially when it comes to intimacy. I think a lot of people get this confused and believe that talking about business or relationship problems is the way to build a relationship. They are not. We always build a relationship by helping people to enjoy being with us. 

The most common enjoyable thing my wife and I do is to talk to each other. We talk frequently.

Enjoyable communication includes:

  • Talking about common interests,
  • taking turns talking and listening,
  • giving undivided attention,
  • having a friendly face and tone of voice,
  • agreeing and empathizing,
  • showing appreciation,
  • complimenting, and
  • admiring

(10:02)

The way we talk to each other both verbally and non-verbally needs to communicate three messages: I like you, you are important to me, and we are similar.

I like you, you are important to me, and we are similar.

If your wife doesn’t give you any of these three messages, whether verbally or non-verbally, it is a clear indication of a lack of desire to be with you–sexually or otherwise.

I often help my clients to deliver these messages effectively when their conversations have become business focused and unfriendly. You don’t have to convince your spouse to do these things in order to start doing them yourself. Gradually making such changes can re-interest your wife in you.

Sudden changes always bring resistance so if you get resistance, you know you are doing too much, too soon.

(10:56)

And, you need to be a desirable man if you want your wife to sexually desire you.

Many men have lost almost all of the features and qualities that made their wives initially attracted to them. If you were an outgoing and talented football player who became an out of shape, asocial shoe salesman, your wife may have good reasons not to be attracted to you anymore. Many men come to behave more like a father or girlfriend to their wives rather than the desirable man they used to be.

Women are attracted to men, so if you want to attract women, you have to behave like a man.

This means being successful in your career and socially. It means having passions in your life more attractive than video games and watching TV. It means taking care of your body and making an effort to look good. You don’t need to look as young as you once did, but you need to look good for your age.

If other women would not find you attractive or desirable, then don’t expect your wife to feel that way either. A woman can love you without sexually desiring you. Just ask your mother.

(12:06)

In summary

You will never help your wife to be more sexual by complaining to her about your problems or by sharing with her your need for sex. That kind of talking will just add more stress on her, while making you less attractive–further reducing her desire for you.

If your wife seems to not be interested in you sexually, it is not cause for panic. Like other feelings, her sexual desire can be brought back as well. Using a gradual approach in bringing back enjoyable conversation, shared activities, and nonsexual touch should go a long way toward helping her to desire you more. If you can also work on becoming a more desirable man, much as you would if you were single and scouting for women, it will help to revive your wife’s sexual feelings as well.

(12:57)

Keep in mind that her reduced sexual desire may not be anything that you are doing. It could have to do with additional stress in her life and/or physical problems that she has. In those cases, do what you can to reduce her stress and to be the kind of man who is the ray of sunshine in her otherwise cloudy day.

For help with connection skills or in becoming more desirable, see my re-connections coaching package.

(13:24)

[Podcast wrap-up]

Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.