Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack

How to Fix a Relationship with an Angry Spouse

• Jack Ito PhD, Psychologist, Author, and Relationship Coach • Season 3 • Episode 47

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On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

On today's episode, Coach Jack gives five reasons why spouses get angry and how you can reduce or stop their anger.

After listening to today's episode, you may want to:

How to Fix a Relationship with an Angry Spouse 

(Podcast Transcript)

(0:00)

[Introduction to the podcast]

Announcer: On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

(0:29)

Coach Jack: When you have a spouse who is often angry, the joy is drained out of your relationship, but you can bring it back.

Love takes a back seat when you are walking on eggshells, not knowing what to expect when you walk in the door, and the feelings of sadness when you realize you are happier when you don’t see your spouse than when you do.

Too many people are needlessly suffering in their relationship due to an angry spouse. Most of those problems can be resolved and the relationship greatly improved with what I am going to share with you today. 

Before we get into fixing things, let me say that…

Dealing with an angry spouse is different from dealing with an abusive spouse

*Please note that what I teach today will not help you with a physically abusive spouse. For that, you need to get help from a local psychologist, shelter, or the national abuse hotline (thehotline.org or 1-800-799-SAFE). Start there, and not with this article.

(1:09)

If you are like many people, you may be trying to figure out why your spouse is so angry. And in looking for a reason, you’re probably looking for how you caused his or her anger.

While it is possible that you did do something, I want to suggest to you that you may not have done anything, and whatever you did does not warrant emotional abuse. No one deserves to be abused and treating a spouse badly is not a privilege of marriage. 

In your anger do not sin (Ephesians 4:26).

Many people are not abused by their spouse, but are still unhappy in their marriages because of their spouse’s anger. Rather than making your spouse’s anger about you, let’s try to see it as about your spouse. That is, anger is your spouse’s way to accomplish something. The most important thing to figure out is not what made your spouse angry, but what does your spouse accomplish by being angry.

(2:14)

Everything in life has a cause, which is to say that everything has a purpose. Sometimes the cause and the purpose are one in the same thing.

Anger serves a purpose

It is quite possible for people to be angry even when someone else has not done something to make them angry. Anger can serve a useful purpose, such as controlling people with fear, and for creating emotional and physical distance.

An important critical thinking skill is to come up with multiple reasons why something might be so. Just as there is more than one reason that someone might say they love you, so there is more than one reason why someone would be angry or blaming. Not taking things at face value, but considering other reasons for your spouse’s anger will help to keep you from jumping to conclusions or from being manipulated by your spouse.

(3:06)

Another behavioral skill that you want to develop when your spouse is angry is taking a timeout before reacting to what your spouse is saying. Getting angry, defensive, or giving your spouse whatever he or she wants may not be the best thing to do. Taking a timeout will help you to calm down, look for any truth in what your spouse is saying, and consider whether giving your spouse what he or she wants will make things worse.

Questions you need to ask yourself before making conclusions

Critical thinking is something that most of us have not learned in school. However, it is something that we can learn by ourselves. Critical thinking involves asking ourselves questions which help us to think more clearly, rather than being misled, or jumping to conclusions. We never want to just blindly follow someone, without asking ourselves a few questions first.

(4:02)

Questions for critical thinking regarding your spouse’s anger:

  • Has your spouse always been an angry person?
  • When did you first begin seeing this kind of anger problem in your spouse?
  • Does your spouse tend to be angry with other people in general, with certain people, or just with you?
  • What do you think accounts for the difference between who your spouse is angry with and who your spouse is not angry with? What can you learn from that?
  • What does your spouse do after becoming angry? Is it something that he or she enjoys, but usually would not have an excuse to do?
  • Does your spouse’s anger seem legitimate? That is, would most people become angry for the same reasons as your spouse?

People behaving inconsistently with what they say is cause to doubt what they are saying. Also, the more someone has to gain by you believing them, the more suspicious you need to be about what they are saying. The longer the interval between when something happened and when your spouse became angry about it, the more you can be sure it is not the real reason your spouse is angry.

(5:10)

My clients often say their spouse is angry about something that happened years ago, when their spouse had not been bothered about it for the past couple of years or more. This type of anger is actually a justification for current bad behavior of the spouse, and/or a way to create emotional distance in preparation for bad behavior.

Small causes and large delays are signs that your spouse’s anger is not legitimate.

The more legitimate your spouse’s anger, the more likely you need to work on your own behavior. The less legitimate your spouse’s anger, the more likely you need to work on boundaries for making your spouse’s anger ineffective.

Let’s look at 5 purposes your spouse’s anger may serve and how to deal with each…

(5:57)

1 Your spouse is using anger to control you

Many people have learned to use anger as a way to get what they want. It’s a method of intimidation that probably goes back to their childhood. There are a couple of ways to know if you have such a spouse.

  1. Your spouse frequently tries to get action, submission, or permission from you.
  2. Your spouse becomes nice again as soon as you give in.

People who are really angry and not just manipulative, tend to stay angry for a while after they get what they want. It takes them a while to transition to warming up again–slower and slower as the relationship gets worse. Controlling people can change rather quickly.

Improving your relationship with a controlling spouse

There are two major approaches to maintaining a relationship with such a spouse.

  1. You either give in constantly to avoid conflict, or
  2. You put good boundaries into place.

(6:55)

Giving in is the short term strategy that makes the problem last a lifetime. There will never come a point when your spouse is satisfied enough to no longer behave this way. The way of people pleasers creates destruction because it leads to a worse relationship for both husband and wife.

The other option is to put good boundaries into place. For most people, this works well as long as they are otherwise loving. Boundaries, consistently applied by a valuable spouse, are a loving way to create a better relationship for husband and wife, although they create initial conflict.

2 Your spouse is using you as a pressure release valve

When difficult things happen that people don’t have control over, they feel powerless. Then, they may emotionally or physically strike out at someone less powerful. The power to do this is both relieving and reassuring. Some people come home from a stressful job and kick the cat, or shout at the spouse, or find ways to criticize. 

Insecure spouses often are targeted with anger because they don’t leave or use good boundaries–making them a safe outlet for stress.

(8:08)

Change will only happen when we have good boundaries to prevent people from continuing to hurt us.

Improving your relationship with a spouse who takes out stress on you

You might feel inclined to excuse your spouse’s angry behavior because you know he or she doesn’t really mean it. It is not loving to allow your spouse to treat you badly to de-stress. If you do, it will eventually make both of you lose loving feelings for each other.

That can start with small boundaries such as walking away when your spouse is verbally abusive. The boundaries can escalate to separation (moving out) if your spouse’s behavior remains unchanged. 

Don’t argue or complain. These are not boundaries. They are insecure behaviors which will reward your spouse with the power to provoke you. If you have been arguing or complaining, has it been helping? Resolve today to stop rewarding your spouse with reactivity.

(9:07)

Reactivity rewards provocation

3 Your spouse is vengeful 

Have you done something that hurt your spouse? Something intentional, such as an affair, or accidental, like forgetting a birthday? If so, your spouse may not be able to forgive you, even if he or she wants to. 

To forgivemeans to release someone from a debt. They no longer owe you any apologies, any suffering, any explanations, or any accountability of any kind. And, you never remind them of what they did.

(9:59)

Christians accept Jesus’ atoning death for our sins, and ask God for forgiveness. God then not only forgives us, but actually forgets our sins (Hebrews 8:12). 

Likewise, we will no longer owe anything to a spouse who forgives us. As long as your spouse reminds you of what you have done that was offensive, you have not been forgiven and you can be sure your spouse is still angry about it.

Many people cannot forgive because they don’t know how. They hope the passage of time will take care of it, which it rarely does.

Improving your marriage to a vengeful and angry spouse

Don’t continue to apologize. That is only going to make matters worse. It may appease his or her anger for the moment. Repeated apologies fuel repeated complaints.

Like criticizing, complaining, and arguing, repeatedly apologizing is another needy behavior that makes relationships worse.

(11:03)

Help your spouse to forgive when he or she is unable to. Unforgiveness gives way to fear, ending resentment and allowing relationships to build again. 

As long as your spouse has securely has you to punish, you will continue to be punished.

To change this, you must be able to:

  1. Be a valuable spouse, and 
  2. Be willing to leave your spouse rather than continue to be the focus of his or her resentment.

When you do, your spouse will get over his or her resentment and your spouse’s positive feelings for you will come back. Remember though, that you must be valuable for your spouse to care about losing you.

Threats won’t do it. Only the reality of physical separation is likely to do it. It is a tough thing to do, but love must be tough. Otherwise we and our spouse will be the victims of our own weaknesses.

(12:02)

We can’t re-build a relationship only with love or only with boundaries. We need both. But love comes first.

4 Your spouse regrets getting married and feels resentful

Many people become disillusioned with marriage. Not only is it less fun than they thought it would be, it seems to be a lot worse than having been single. This is particularly true for people who do not maintain a close relationship after getting married. Add to this the enticements that people face every day to be unfaithful, and people can become pretty dissatisfied with what they have.

In a well connected relationship to a desirable spouse people can still be tempted, but don’t feel resentful. Lose that connection though, and people can become easily bothered by even small differences.

(12:55)

Many people remain staunchly loyal to their marriage vows even in this circumstance, but instead of doing something to improve their relationships, they start to avoid interaction and to become grouchy or mean. They are determined to carry on in their marriage no matter how unhappy they are. They don’t do a good job of hiding it, though.

If you have a spouse who would never cheat or divorce, but can’t enjoy your marriage either, then you will have an angry spouse who feels stuck in an unenjoyable marriage.

Reconciling with a spouse who feels resentful

Think about your marriage from your spouse’s perspective. Do you think that your behavior makes him or her feel loved and valued? Does your spouse feel like a priority over the children, your career, your parents, and your social networking?

It is not enough for you to feel these things–you must be demonstrating your feelings. Feelings which are not shown do not count as far as connection goes. Here are some things you need to show with your verbal and nonverbal behavior:

(13:59)

  • your love for your spouse
  • your attraction to your spouse
  • your admiration for your spouse
  • your respect for your spouse
  • your belief in your spouse
  • your prioritization of your spouse
  • your interest in your spouse
  • your shared interest in future goals and free time interests

You can gradually start to make your marriage a positive experience for your spouse. You will be making it much better for yourself at the same time.

5 Your spouse is using anger to intentionally create conditions for being unfaithful

People can deliberately seek out affairs—even if all of their needs are being met in their marriage. Affairs are more likely if:

  1. People have the opportunity, and
  2. They do not fear significant loss in doing so.

This used to be mainly true for men, but is becoming increasingly common for women as well. Women are being influenced socially to both cheat and divorce. Men’s primary motivation remains biological. The result is still the same.

(15:11)

Affair seeking behavior begins by creating emotional distance. This creates the emotional and physical space needed for cheating. If they fight with you enough, for example, they may be able to move to another room where they can freely spend hours connecting with others on their phone.

Usually, in this situation, spouses will connect just enough to keep the marriage going. So they are sometimes friendly, but mostly not. These hot and cold behaviors can be very confusing.

Hot and cold behaviors are used to adjust, and maintain, a comfortable level of emotional distance.

Reconciling with a spouse who is intentionally creating emotional distance

When spouses first start this behavior, they do not generally want to end their marriage. They just want to add to their lives some more excitement. You must be careful not to let this situation go on too long. Like pornography or limerence for another, the sooner dealt with, the better.

(16:12)

You must use good boundaries as soon as your connection attempts start to fail. Your spouse needs to feel that if he or she continues on this path, not only the marriage will be done, but your relationship will be totally over. 

Then, you must start building your relationship and try to put a little more excitement into it. You don’t want your spouse to feel like he or she is missing all the fun by continuing with you. On the contrary, you want your spouse to feel that continuing with someone else will result in him or her missing all the fun. Don’t have an open marriage in this attempt, as it will destroy your marriage. There are many ways to add adventure and romance to marriage without sinful and destructive behaviors.

(16:54)

For every problem, there is a solution.

As you can see, your spouse being angry doesn’t necessarily mean that you have done something wrong. Even if you have, his or her anger may be out of proportion to what you have done because of additional reasons your spouse has to be angry. Questions about the reasonableness, suddenness, and pervasiveness of your spouse’s anger will help you to figure things out. So too will be looking at what benefits your spouse derives from being angry with you. Control, revenge, avoidance, and the ability to cheat are just a few of many possible benefits. 

How you respond will make the difference in whether your spouse benefits from continuing to be angry with you. You can start to turn things around today, helping your spouse to enjoy you more while no longer benefiting from being angry. That will make a world of difference to both of you and a renewed, enjoyable future together. If you would like, you can work with me to make sure you get started on just what your relationship needs.

(18:03)

 [Podcast wrap-up]

Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.