Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack

Spouse Acting Strangely? How to Deal with This

• Jack Ito PhD, Psychologist, Author, and Relationship Coach • Season 3 • Episode 46

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On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

On today's episode, Coach Jack teaches what to do when your spouse is behaving suspiciously.

After listening to today's episode, you may want to:

Spouse Acting Strangely? How to Deal with This 

(Podcast Transcript)

(0:00)

[Introduction to the podcast]

Announcer: On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

(0:29)

Coach Jack: People can behave strangely for any number of reasons. Instead of jumping to conclusions, it is better to take a more reasoned approach to finding out what is going on.

When Deborah signed up to work with me, she had this awful feeling that her husband might be cheating on her. I asked her what made her think so and she told me that lately he had been coming home late, and wasn’t very friendly with her most of the time. She was worried, and rightly so. 

(0:56)

Deborah had no evidence that her husband was cheating on her, but she said she saw all the signs. He was avoiding her attempts to have one-on-one time, and made excuses when she wanted to be physically intimate. I told her that while those were signs that something was wrong, they didn’t necessarily indicate he was cheating.

I asked her what actions she had taken so far. She said she had asked her husband if he was cheating on her, but he had denied it. She knew that wasn’t really a good way to find out if he was being faithful. In a way, part of her hoped that he was having an affair, so at least she could understand what was going on.

I told Deborah that although it was a difficult to know what was going on, that we should look at some of her husband’s other behaviors. One of the most important things to consider was whether her husband was also behaving this way with her children, and with other people. Men who are having affairs typically are going to emotionally distance from their wives, sometimes with their children, but maintain fairly normal relationships with other people.

(2:04)

In Deborah’s case, she said that her husband was also not spending as much time with the children and was not going out with his friends like he used to. I asked her to start paying attention to how he interacted with his friends and the children when he did have contact with them. If he was less friendly with everyone, he was more likely be having an internal physical or emotional problem than an affair.

Deborah had been overly focused on how her husband has been interacting with her. When she started observing his behavior with others, she noticed that her husband seemed to be less friendly and more tuned out. She realized that whatever was going on was not just about her. Her husband didn’t seem very interested in anyone and didn’t even seem to enjoy being by himself. He was, in fact, miserable most of the time.

(3:00)

I told Deborah that if her husband were having an affair, he was not enjoying it very much since he didn’t seem very happy. In the absence of any recent traumatic events, I suspected that her husband was overworked, had an addiction, or a physical problem. Further observation revealed that he was staying late at work, adding more weight to the possibility of overwork.

That didn’t answer the question of why he was working to the point where he had no energy left for his friends of family. I had Deborah start paying more attention to their financial accounts and to verify that her husband was actually at work until late. He was actually at work, but he didn’t want to share his financial information. 

Doing some boundaries work with her, we were able to help her find out what was going on financially. Her husband was very upset and blamed her for not trusting him and invading his privacy. What people don’t want us to see is usually where we need to look and Deborah didn’t let his blame stop her from getting the information.

(4:10)

She could have found out that her husband was paying for escorts or hotels or such, but that wasn’t the case. Her husband had actually made a bad investment decision and lost a lot of their money. Naturally, Deborah was upset about that, though she was relieved he wasn’t having an affair. It seemed like her husband was scrambling to fix the financial damage with a lot of overtime, while doing damage to his health and relationships.

(4:39)

I helped Deborah to understand that while her husband may have made a very stupid mistake, he wasn’t a bad man. However, his current approach to fixing the problem threatened his health and their family. She might feel like attacking him, but that would just make a bad situation worse. I helped Deborah know how to confront her husband about this in a loving way so that he no longer had to carry the burden of the secret by himself. Also, I helped Deborah to know how to share in fixing the problem with her husband so that he didn’t have to carry it alone. This is what love does. 

(5:16)

God does the same. No matter how much we mess up, God helps us to fix things when we let him help.

Deborah needed to make some boundaries to make sure that they were having more one-on-one time together to help protect the relationship, even if it meant it would take longer to get out of debt. It wouldn’t do any good for Deborah’s husband to work diligently to re-earn the money, if the marriage was drained of all connection in the process.

Good intentions are never a substitute for maintaining emotional connection.

(5:48)

Although Deborah was upset about the money, she was relieved to find out that he wasn’t cheating on her. And, she was able to see that her husband made a mistake that was a bump in an otherwise good marriage. Of course, if he continued to make such financial mistakes than Deborah would have to take more control of the finances for the sake of their relationship and their family, as well as her husband’s mental health.

In Deborah’s case, sharing the problem, more one-on-one time together, and not trying to get out of debt as quickly was the solution. Deborah’s initial mistrust was essential in restoring a loving, close relationship. It was to her credit that she hadn’t behaved badly toward her husband as many people do when they are feeling neglected.

Let’s learn some things from Deborah’s situation:

Look for the evidence

Jumping to conclusions causes many people to do damage. So does prematurely sharing your concerns with others who may jump to conclusions and give you bad advice. Conclusions should only be made after enough evidence has been gathered. Also, if you confront your spouse prematurely, it may prevent you from gathering the information that you need.

(7:02)

Good questions to consider when trying to figure out if you should trust your spouse: 

  • How long has he or she been behaving this way? 
  • Is she behaving differently only toward you? 
  • Did the change in behavior happen gradually or suddenly? 
  • Does he seem to be behaving this way in only one area of his life? 
  • How is she doing physically – sleeping, eating, energy level?

Why was Deborah’s husband refusing her sexually? Due to stress and fatigue, he was likely not able to perform well, in addition to having lack of desire. The number one enemy of sexual desire and ability is fatigue–not affairs.

If your spouse is behaving differently towards you, but not toward anyone else, then it is much more likely to have to do with your relationship. A sudden worsening of the relationship that you didn’t cause, and which your husband or wife has no interest in improving, is a strong affair warning signal.

(8:08)

However, just as in Deborah’s case, you need to examine other sudden things that could have occurred. With Deborah’s husband, it was a business failure he didn’t want her to know about, followed by overwork, stress and fatigue. If Deborah had not discovered this and dealt with it, her husband may have eventually turned to comfort from another woman or to drugs or alcohol. Or conflict over the worsened relationship could have brought about the end of their relationship.

If your relationship has been bad for years, then suddenly your spouse seems happier, is coming and going more, but has little interest in doing things with you, this is another strong indication an affair may be going on. He or she has found a solution to his unhappiness with your relationship, other than through your relationship.

Make your observations as best as you can before asking your spouse anything.

(9:06)

Asking is okay, when you ask the right way

Questions which are actually disguised accusations, such as are you using drugs? Are you cheating on me? and so on, are likely not to be helpful. First off, even if your spouse is doing these things he or she is unlikely to admit to them. Secondly, if he is not doing these things then your expressing these doubts only adds more problems to the situation.

Much better are questions about your spouse’s actual, observable behavior. For example, you might ask, you don’t seem so friendly lately. Is there anything going on that I can help you with? Or, I noticed that you haven’t been sleeping and eating well recently, is everything alright? Or, I noticed that you have been coming home later from work than you usually do. Are you working on something special?

(10:03)

It’s possible that all you will get will be resistance when you ask questions, but these types of questions are not harmful when asked with a good attitude and concern rather than accusation. They might help you to learn something, whether your spouse is evasive or has a legitimate reason. Don’t repeatedly ask the same question, however. If you do that, you are just expressing that you don’t trust your spouse’s answer. Even though the answer might not be honest, continuing to express your distrust is not going to be helpful.

I like to guide my clients to look for corroborating evidence of what there spouse is saying. And, if it seems possible that what their spouse is saying is true, to give the benefit of the doubt rather than behave as if their spouse is lying. It is better to trust and be found out wrong than to distrust and be found out wrong. The truth will always come out about your spouse, but relationship damage can last a lifetime.

(11:04)

When clients tell me that their spouse will no longer sleep together, is unfriendly, and sexually rejecting, the most important thing is not figuring out whether there is an affair. The most important thing is making things better. It’s not necessary to discover the cause to get to work on making things better. The cause will come out in the process. Not getting started may keep the cause hidden, causing delays.

When suspicious,make a plan to keep from overreacting

Isn’t it an awful thing to feel like you can’t trust your spouse’s behavior? And you know that will have a negative impact on your relationship. Putting your suspicions to rest by working on a plan to make things better will restore your confidence and your relationship. 

Here is a three step plan for restoring trust and connection: 

(11:56)

The first step in the plan is going to be for you to make sure that you are not doing anything to cause distance in your relationship. This means eliminating any needy behaviors such as criticism, arguing, complaining, and interrogating. Although you are not the problem, becoming as valuable as possible will make your boundaries more effective when it is time to use them.

The second step is to make sure that you are doing all that you can to help your spouse feel desirable and important. Make sure that you are doing all that you can to be the kind of partner that your spouse would enjoy being with. Don’t do anything to compromise your values, but it should not be a compromise to be friendly and attractive. Combining that with the first step will put you in really good shape for the third step.

If you have done the first two steps and your spouse has not returned to normal (or even better!), then your third step would be to use boundaries to deal with any damaging behaviors or lack of participation in your marriage. 

(13:02)

If you follow this three-step plan, you will get to see whether this is a really about you and your relationship or about something going on with your spouse. Also, it will help you to behave in a way which makes it hard for your spouse to blame his or her lack of loving behaviors on you. If an affair or addiction becomes evident, these steps will put you in the position for your boundaries to be effective.

Put your plan into action today and feel better tomorrow

If your spouse is cold and distant, or has unusual behaviors that make you suspicious, then your first step should be to ask non-accusatory questions. Whether you get answers or not, you can then look for the evidence to support what your spouse is saying or reasons for the change in behavior. No matter what you discover, or even if you don’t discover anything, you have choices about how to proceed. 

(13:58)

Without exploration, Deborah would not have been able to find out what was really going on with her husband, and would not have been able to intervene for both his sake and the sake of their relationship. Her feelings for her husband might have eroded if she just tried to be patient. Once she was taking action, she was back in control and feeling effective.

Your frustration of not knowing what to do will disappear as you follow the right steps. At the end of the steps you will be glad that you continued to be loving, while having good boundaries. And you can also feel glad for not having to live with doubt, and to be holding your spouse close again in the warm embrace of a loving relationship.

Just as with Deborah, I would be happy to help you with whatever is going on so that you don’t have to worry anymore and can feel confident in what you are doing, knowing that there is nothing that is going on with your spouse that you can’t deal with if you use the right steps. And, the very best step for you might be for us to get started in our work together positively restoring the intimacy you once had and can have again.

(15:11)

 [Podcast wrap-up]

Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.