Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack

Positive Requests: A Secure Way to Get What You Want

• Jack Ito PhD, Psychologist, Author, and Relationship Coach • Season 3 • Episode 43

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On today's episode, Coach Jack teaches how to ask for and get what you want without damaging your relationship with your spouse.

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Positive Requests: A Secure Way to Get What You Want

(Podcast Transcript)

(0:00)

[Introduction to the podcast]

Announcer: On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

(0:29)

Coach Jack: Are you frustrated with repeatedly asking your spouse for what you want and not getting it? There are some key things you can do to motivate your spouse to give you what you want, while keeping your relationship strong. 

There is nothing wrong with asking our spouses for things we want from them or want them to do. That doesn’t mean that we will actually get whatever we ask for. The two big factors for successful requesting are how strong our relationship is and the way we ask.

(0:59)

There are some damaging ways to ask for what you want.

Needy behaviorsare things that we do in an attempt to get more of what we want in our relationship, but actually end up getting us less. You won’t nag your husband into being neater or criticize your wife into being more sexual. Oh, you may get they to temporarily do what you want, but in the long run your relationship will be worse. Then you will have even less of what you want.

Criticizing, complaining, and nagging are prime examples of how some people try to get what they want in ways that others don’t like. Because they do work some of the time, people continue to do them, but the more they do them, the worse the relationship becomes.

Some people think that if they give up criticizing, complaining, and nagging, then they won’t get anything they want. Because they don’t know better ways to motivate their spouse, they get stuck in a lose-lose situation. Either they do the needy behaviors and do more damage to their relationship, or they have to go without whatever they were wanting.

(2:09)

So, let’s talk about…

How to get what you want without doing damage to your marriage.

I have seven steps that you can start taking today to get more of what you want from your spouse:

1. Help your spouse to understand that requests are not obligations

It will be helpful for both you and your spouse if you tell your spouse that requests are just that, so that you can both feel free to make requests of each other.

You can say something like the following: I want you to feel free to make any request of me that you want as long as you ask nicely. Understand that I won’t always do or give you what you want. And, sometimes I am going to ask you to do things, but I don’t expect you to always agree. That’s okay. 

(3:00)

That’s the way God does it with us and I think it’s a good model. He wants us to be able to go to Him with any request, and He has told us so (e.g., Philippians 4:6). But, many times His answer is going to be no. He is God and not Santa Clause after all. Loving parents often need to say no to their children and sometimes loving spouses do to.

Your behavior needs to be consistent with this message. That means asking nicely and not getting reactive if your spouse denies your request. It also means not getting upset when your spouse makes requests of you that you don’t like. Never argue about a request or refusal. 

Arguing is a damaging behavior and has no place in good relationships. There is no such thing as healthy arguing.

(4:01)

2. Make sure you are being a loving spouse

If you have one neighbor who likes you and one who doesn’t, which one is more likely to do a favor for you? The fact is, the more people like you, the more they are inclined to do things for you. This is just as true for spouses as for everyone else.

Of course getting what you want should not be your sole motivation for being a loving spouse, but there is nothing wrong with it being part of the reason. You should be treating your spouse in such a way that he or she looks forward to interacting with you.

Especially your spouse should never have thoughts like this:

  • I hope she/he is in a good mood today. 
  • I hope I don’t get criticized as soon as I walk in the door. 
  • I wish my spouse would be happy to see me.
  • He/she is never satisfied no matter what I do
  • I wish my spouse would treat me as well as she/he does her/his friends.

(5:01)

If your spouse does have these kinds of thoughts and feelings, you need to make a consistent effort to be an enjoyable and loving spouse. Otherwise, you will get the minimal amount of help, attention, or affection from your spouse that keeps the peace. Sure you get some help and attention that way, but only a fraction of what you could get if you made your spouse feel loved.

Some spouses are very helpful, even though they are not very loving. Unless your spouse really enjoys a business partner relationship, you will need to do more than be helpful to make your spouse feel loved. You will need to spend quality time together, make your spouse feel desirable as a man or woman, and be a good sexual and romantic partner. In the context of such a relationship, it will be much easier to get what you want.

(5:53)

3. Ask for what you want rather than what you don’t want.

Please don’t are terrible words to start off any request. They immediately make people feel blamed.

Please don’t leave your dirty dishes in the living room is an example of a negative request. Don’t say rude things to my mother like you always do is another example of a blaming thing to say. It is also a command rather than a request, since you would be telling your spouse what to do. Statements like these can provoke arguments and/or avoidance. 

Think of the opposite of what you don’t want, and then ask for that instead.

Please put your dishes in the dishwasher every time you finish eating and please talk to my mother in a nice way are two better ways to ask, though I would consider them to be only half way to positive. This is because they still imply that your spouse behaves badly.

(6:59)

4. Be friendly for small requests; affectionate for bigger ones

Regardless of what you ask, be friendly when you ask. Pretend you are with your friend and ask your spouse the same way you would your friend. Be polite and don’t form your request as a demand, no matter what you want or how small your request.

Say: 

  • Please pass the salt rather than pass the salt;
  • Would you give me a hand ? rather than give me a hand;
  • Could you get the kids after school? rather than get the kids after school.

If you have done a good job at being a loving and enjoyable spouse, you can throw some of that behavior into your requests. Affectionate touch or compliments can make requests much more palatable.

  • Beautiful woman, would you mind bringing your dishes to the kitchen whenever you eat somewhere else?
  • Hey, Mr. Handsome, I know my mom can be hard to take, but would you be a little nice to her when she visits?

(8:09)

Combine these with a soft voice and a loving gaze.

If you think that in marriage you shouldn’t have to behave this way, you have the wrong idea about marriage. We get married so that we will have someone to love and cherish till death do us part. And if we want to keep our marriage going, then we actually need to love and cherish our spouse. 

Don’t expect to be cherished by your spouse if you are not doing that yourself.

5. Be appreciative when you get what you want

(8:43)

Our spouses learn to enjoy pleasing us or to resent pleasing us, depending on how we respond when they do what we want. At the minimum we need to be thanking our spouse, combining that with a smile and pleasant voice takes it up a notch. Giving a hug brings it up another notch. Combining that with telling our spouse how lucky we are to have someone as wonderful as them brings it up another notch. And, once in a while doing something extra and unexpected for our spouse like giving flowers, taking them dancing, or leaving a note under their pillow helps them to continue to feel valued and appreciated.

Let me say that doing these things for my spouse is part of the joy in being married to her. I love to love her. What is going to make a big difference in your ability to do that is whether you focus on things you don’t like about your spouse or things that you do.

Focusing on the negative will lead to you train your spouse, making your spouse feel not good enough and getting you the least amount of love. Focusing on the positive will make your spouse feel loved and get you the most love in return.

(9:59)

We always get the best from people when we see the best in them, without pointing out their failings.

6. Don’t assume your spouse will agree

Your spouse, just like other people, is not always going to be willing to do what you ask. If you think it is your spouse’s job to do whatever you want, then you are thinking of your spouse as a servant rather than a partner.

If your spouse tends to do whatever you want, whenever you want it, you are probably married to a people pleaser and you need to be sure not to take him or her for granted. People pleasers become resentful if you are not treating them well. If you are a people pleaser, too, it probably works out. If you are not, then don’t overuse that feature of your spouse.

If your spouse tends not to do what you want, and your relationship is otherwise good, then make sure you have a plan B before you ask. That is what you will do if your spouse turns down your request. Having a plan B will help you to be able to continue to be relaxed and friendly.

(11:09)

7. Don’t get reactive if your request is denied

Reactivity rewards people who criticize, argue, blame, and are uncooperative. The reward they get is the power over your emotions. Power is very rewarding. You don’t want to train your spouse to be able to get power just by saying some negative thing or refusing you something.

If your spouse is refusing small requests, it is likely that your relationship is not very good. Even selfish or lazy people will generally hold the door or pass the salt. See the refusal as an indication of relationship problems and do your part to work on them. Doing your part comes before trying to get your spouse to do his or her part.

Move on to your plan B.

(12:00)

Plan B for getting help is going to be generally what you would do if your spouse was not available. It might be to ask a friend or hire someone to help. If you are requesting a positive behavior change from your spouse, like not using his or her cell phone while you are on a date, then your plan B might be to use a boundary. An example boundary would be ending your date whenever your spouse starts to use his or her cell phone.

Most of the time, we are going to do no less and no more than two positive requests before using a boundary.

Let’s look at an example of how to make a positive request…

Example positive request

You choose a time during the week when your spouse and you are having a good time. Avoid making requests when your spouse is doing something you don’t want him or her to do or it is likely to provoke defensiveness and could lead to an argument.

(12:56)

Hey Babe, I don’t know if you realize this, but I look forward to going out with you all week. It feels like our special time together. Would you mind if we leave our cell phones off when we go on dates so that I feel like I have you all to myself?

If your spouse agrees, then give a hug and a kiss, express appreciation:

  • Spouse: Okay.
  • You: Oh, thank you, you are a wonderful partner. I can’t wait until we go out again.

Do not remind your spouse before your date. Just focus on making the date good for your spouse so he or she doesn’t miss using the phone. And, do not remind your spouse during the date, even if he or she takes out the cell phone again on the date. Just repeat the request the following week when things are going well again.

(14:05)

If the same thing happens again and your spouse does not follow through as he or she agreed, do not remind and continue to be relaxed and friendly. This will be hard for many people, but use your willpower to help you make your relationship better. Being reactive will only make things worse.

Instead of being reactive, you move on to plan B…

Responding to refusal or a lack of follow through

If you are repeatedly getting surprised with refusals, you need to adjust your expectations and also prepare in advance. Both of those things will help you to keep you from being reactive.

Whether you have prepared in advance or not,

(14:51)

If you have been refused, or asked twice with no follow through, then:

  • Suppress the urge to criticize, blame, or nag
  • Decide if you can do without whatever you were asking for.
  • Do it yourself, it you can and won’t feel resentful.
  • Get someone else to do it if you can’t do it yourself or would feel resentful if you did it yourself, or
  • Use a boundary.

In the example of no cell phone on a date, you could decide to just make the best of your dates despite the cell phone use. Or, you could decide that you will end your date whenever your spouse starts using his or her phone again.

Boundaries always cause anger and you may decide it is not worth it to use such a boundary. That is okay. On the other hand, in good relationships, boundaries can end bad bad habits. For help boundaries it may be necessary to reduce your workload in other areas that your spouse depends on, or to hire someone to help you.

Always let the boundary do the work and do not give in to the temptation to be harsh or critical with your spouse. It will not make your boundary more effective, but can really damage your relationships.

(16:07)

Don’t make things worse on yourself or come off as being miserable because of your spouse’s refusal or lack of follow through.

Doing more because your spouse does less and less is a game with no winners. Just make the changes necessary to take care of priorities.

It is reasonable to reduce in one area if you have to do more in another. Let your spouse know that it is okay if he or she doesn’t want to help, but that you will need to make time by reducing something else you are doing. Or let him or her know that you will need to use vacation money or some other expense source to cover the cost of hiring someone else. Be nice about it.

Never strive to train your spouse to treat you better by using a bad attitude. It won’t result in you getting better treatment. Only your loving behavior and good boundaries can do that.

(17:02)

Be loving when you get what you want; and be loving when you don’t get what you want. Use boundaries when necessary for a better long term relationship.

You can really get what you really want

I have worked with many people who have tried to get more of what they wanted from their spouse by using negative ways. They criticized, complained, and nagged, among other things. All of them regretted it because it didn’t really get them what they wanted. 

What they really wanted was caring, affection, love, and understanding. Instead, their behavior made their spouses defensive, angry, withdrawn, and distant. I really hope that you won’t let that happen to your relationship. 

(17:46)

It doesn’t have to. Resolve today to use a better way. Resolve to become the kind of person that your spouse would enjoy (or at least wouldn’t mind as much) doing things for. You don’t have to give up anything by loving your spouse. You will still be able to use boundaries if you have to, but you won’t have to use them very much.

You do need to be aware of something else, though…

Your spouse won’t immediately change because you do

You will need to change gradually over a few months time before expecting your spouse to really see you differently. Trust building takes time, respect building takes time, and connecting takes time. Part of what I do as a coach is to help people to hang in there during that time when they are working to be different and their spouse is still behaving the same. People who can make it through that transition come out on the other side with a better relationship (and yes, much more of what they really want). I would be happy to help you to make that transition, too. Click the coaching link on coachjackito.com for more information.

(18:55)

 [Podcast wrap-up]

Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.