Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack

How to Improve Your Skills with Marriage Boundaries

• Jack Ito PhD, Psychologist, Author, and Relationship Coach • Season 3 • Episode 42

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On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

On today's episode, Coach Jack teaches how to make your boundaries more effective.

After listening to today's episode, you may want to:

How to Improve Your Skills with Marriage Boundaries

(Podcast Transcript)

(0:00)

[Introduction to the podcast]

Announcer: On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

(0:29)

Coach Jack: If you are confused about boundaries, you are not alone. Boundaries are amazingly effective in stopping a spouse’s bad behavior. But there are some common misconceptions about boundaries that trip people up. Let me help you to get them right.

Do you wish you had a remote control for your spouse? You know, so you could push the mute or off button whenever those aggravating behaviors pop up? 

Although most of the time I am helping people to turn their spouse’s love on, sometimes we need a tool for turning bad behavior off. Boundaries are the perfect tool for that.

(1:01)

Boundaries, when properly used, build respect, stop damaging behavior, and save relationships. Like most other things, there is a lot of misinformation about boundaries. 

Don’t feel bad if your boundaries haven’t worked as well as you wanted. Boundaries are one of those words that people think they know until they have to give a definition. And there is so much contradictory information available, it is hard to sort it all out. 

Boundaries are something that I have been helping people with for many years. Today, I want to help you to discover proven ways to use boundaries to create good results with your spouse. Test them against your experience–next to God, experience is the best teacher of them all!

Okay, here we go…

Misconceptions about boundaries

Misconception #1: Boundaries mean telling people what to do or how we feel

This is false. Boundaries don’t require telling people anything. Boundaries are not telling people what to do, as this is controlling. Boundaries aren’t telling people what we don’t like about them, because that is criticism. And boundaries are not sharing with others some negative feelings we have, as that is complaining. 

(2:12)

If you’ve ever tried to control, criticize, or complain your way to a better relationship, you know how ineffective these behaviors are for doing that.

Controlling, criticism, and complaining are three needy behaviors which increase emotional distance, decrease liking, and make relationships worse, causing even more long term relationship problems. Likewise, arguing, shouting, debating, and explaining are not boundaries either. All of these are symptoms of relationship breakdown. 

Good boundaries, on the other hand, are characteristic of healthy relationships.

So, just …

What is a boundary?

(2:51)

The simplest definition of a relationship boundary is what we will or will not do in relationships. They are like internal rules for ourselves. Refusing to date others when we are married is a common boundary. It helps us to preserve and protect our relationship with our spouse. That is an internal rule. We are not commanding others not to date us, nor are we telling other people what we don’t like about them, nor how we feel about them. We simply don’t date others.

Our internal rules, our boundaries, help or hurt us in the way we deal with bad behavior from others. 

Examples of a marriage boundaries would be refusing to argue, walking away from any verbal abuse, refusing to schedule anything with anyone that would interfere with your date night, not having sex with a spouse who doesn’t date you. These boundaries promote relationships, by your refusing to either participate with a bad behavior, or to stick around in the face of bad behavior.

(3:55)

Boundaries stop bad behavior from working, especially if used consistently in an otherwise loving relationship.

Boundaries portray the actions that we won’t take. The lines we won’t cross. The behavior that we won’t put up with–our boundaries are about us.

Good boundaries prevent our spouses from being rewarded for treating us badly. Good boundaries help people to behave well and to have better relationships.

The most common reward people get from bad behavior is power–the power to get what they want and the power to provoke. By having good boundaries and not being provoked, you stop their bad behavior from working.

Being provoked to anger or sadness is to be a toothless tiger; having good boundaries is to be a tiger with a full set of teeth.

If you are being provoked to anger or sadness by your spouse, start thinking about how a boundary could be a much better way to go.

If you are thinking that your spouse would violate your boundary, then you need to learn…

(4:59)

Misconception #2: It is possible for people to violate our boundaries

This is false. Because boundaries are actions that we take, and not rules we give others, they are completely under our control. The only one who can violate your boundary is you. 

Your spouse is free to argue, but you don’t have to participate. Your spouse is free to be verbally abusive, but you don’t have to stand there and take it or participate. Your spouse is free to cheat on you, but you don’t have to stay married if that happens. And, your boundaries help your spouse decide not to do those bad things.

Good boundaries protect relationships.

When your relationship is good, what you do or don’t do will influence what your spouse decides to do in a way that is good for your relationship. Good boundaries partner with loving behavior to create a protected and strong marriage.

By focusing on our behavior, we don’t cause arguments or power struggles. We prevent them and end them.

(6:03)

Boundaries never include shouting, commanding, arguing, complaining, threatening, or nagging.

A person calmly using good boundaries is a powerful person. Don’t give up your power by becoming reactive. That will just make your spouse feel powerful.

Misconception #3: People will respond favorably to our boundaries

This is false. Boundaries will always be experienced as punishment, even when someone understands the reason for our boundaries.

The typical response to boundaries is anger. People feel angry when they want someone to do something which they are refusing to do. If you won’t ride with someone because of the way they behave in the car, don’t expect them to be understanding. If you walk away from someone who is verbally abusive, they will become even more angry. This is why you have to be careful with anyone with any tendency toward violence. Creating fair access to the finances is not going to get you any praise from a selfish spouse.

(7:06)

Never expect a positive response to a boundary.

People who have a high need to please typically use too few boundaries and allow bad behavior to become habits and create long term damage to their relationships. 

While people will be initially angry with our boundaries, if they are good boundaries, the relationship will improve because the bad behavior will stop. Good boundaries create temporary anger and distancing. A lack of boundaries creates permanent distancing.

Misconception #4: Boundaries are a lot of work

This is false. Boundaries usually result in change within two weeks. Compare that to years of complaining, arguing, or just feeling downright angry about your spouse’s behavior. If a boundary is used the very first time a damaging behavior occurs, it often can be stopped immediately. For well established behaviors, two weeks are usually enough to get to significant improvement.

(8:06)

Two weeks of boundaries can do what two years of arguing cannot.

Here is a guideline that will help you to predict how long boundaries are needed for your situation: The more frequently a behavior occurs, the more quickly boundaries will end it. So, if it happens every day and you use your boundary every day, your spouse will quickly learn that his or her bad behavior no longer works. If it is an infrequent behavior, it will take longer for your spouse to learn that.

Misconception #5: Boundaries damage relationships

This is false. A lack of boundaries is very damaging to relationships. When you allow people to mistreat you in any way, they lose respect for you. They also feel more powerful than you and care less and less about you. Parents who allow their children to do anything end up with kids who hate them. The same goes for other relationships.

(9:02)

A lack of boundaries turns children into monsters, spouses into enemies, self-esteem into self-loathing, and acquaintances into annoyances.

Relationships don’t end because of good boundaries. Relationships end for failure to have good boundaries.

God’s boundaries are for the sake of our relationship with Him. It is part of how He loves us. Parents use good boundaries with their children for the same reason. Loving spouses also have good boundaries for the same reasons. 

Stopping your spouse from continuing to harm your relationship is a very loving thing to do.

Misconception #6: Boundaries must come before relationship building

This is false. We certainly will use boundaries without concern for relationship building, such as when an intruder tries to break into our home. Boundaries come first if it they are to keep you or your loved ones safe. I believe in prioritizing safety over relationships.

(10:00)

A long time ago, when I was a family therapist sometimes parents would come to me because they ran out of ways of disciplining their children, who were continuing to do bad behaviors. They were trying to improve their relationships through punishment. My first question for them was does your child like you?

That is very similar to what I ask clients now. Does your spouse like you? You see, if your spouse likes you, your good boundaries are going to be a whole lot more motivating for your spouse. Oh, you can use a severe boundary to get anyone to stop doing something, whether they like you or not. But, if they don’t like you, they will just find another way to do damage.

Boundaries come toward the end of relationship building, while attracting and connecting come first. Done in this order, your spouse will care about your boundaries because your spouse will first care about you and maintaining your relationship.

(10:57)

Misconception #7: Boundaries don’t work

This is false. Done well, and as part of a comprehensive plan of marriage improvement, boundaries do wonders. 

When boundaries don’t work, the most common reasons are:

  • There is too much damage for the spouse to care
  • Boundaries are used inconsistently
  • Too many boundaries are used at once
  • The boundary is not actually a boundary, but rather a rule or agreement
  • People apply a boundary for a bad behavior which they also do

Let me remind you at this point that this is not an article for how to have good boundaries, but rather on misconceptions about them. I just offer these reasons to show that our misconceptions can occur because we improperly used a tool and not because the tool was bad. I never blamed my bad woodworking projects on my hammer or saw. Nor did I give them the credit for my improvement over the years. 

Learn to use your tools well, and they will serve you well–including boundaries.

(12:01)

If my wife is doing something that I really don’t like, my first go-to is not boundaries. It shouldn’t be yours either. You need to know how to get the best behavior from your spouse in amiable ways. However, if the problem is big and those amiable ways don’t work, then you better have some backup tool. Without that you may just quit your job as spouse and pull away emotionally or move away physically.

Let’s take a look at …

Why boundaries work when words fail

Imagine, if it isn’t already true, that your spouse often is sarcastic and makes derogatory comments about you. It makes you upset and you want your spouse to stop. So, you decide to openly and honestly share your feelings and desires with your spouse, like this:

I don’t like it when you put me down. I want you to stop putting me down and never do it again. 

(12:57)

This message is assertive, clear, direct, open, and honest. Unfortunately, it is not likely to result in any change, whether temporary or permanent. You could get some temporary change if you threw in shouting, crying, or threatening. How temporary depends on how often you have behaved this way. 

Spouses get desensitized to our strong emotional reactions the more often we have them. 

To continue to produce the same temporary effect, you would need to escalate your emotions. Your spouse is likely to be escalating his or her own emotions. I think of this as trying to use a flamethrower to put out a forest fire. That will work, by the way. If you burn down all the trees, the fire dies out. People do this to their relationships all the time.

(13:45)

Why didn’t the clear and assertive message work? Well, it didn’t tell your spouse anything new. It didn’t provide any motivating reason for your spouse to change. If you added lots of emotion, then you likely motivated your spouse to calm you down or shut you up. But, once you were, there was little reason to continue to be concerned about it–especially if you have put up with the same behavior for years.

Now, let’s imagine that instead of your open, honest, assertive expression of your feeling and desire you calmly hung up, walked away, stopped texting, went home, or went by yourself, depending on the context. And, you took that action immediately when your spouse put you down. That would be a game changer. Instead of you being upset, it would be your spouse who would be very upset. Your spouse would become motivated for that not to happen. He or she would try to use words to get you to change your behavior! If you couldn’t be talked out of such behavior, your spouse would be motivated to stop triggering your boundary.

(14:55)

Boundaries motivate the other person to change their behaviors–not for you, but for themself. When motivating your spouse to do something for your sake doesn’t work, then you need to motivate your spouse for his or her own sake. Don’t do this with threats or extreme actions, both of which escalate problems, but with simple actions done consistently.

As I say in my book, What to Do When He Won’t Change, people will continue to play a slot machine that pays off every once in a while, but no one will play a slot machine that never pays off. Boundaries will be tested until your spouse discovers that it never pays off.

Boundaries will always be tested, whether with kids or spouses. Pass the test so you will be respected.

If you will work to be the kind of person your spouse looks forward to coming home to and enjoys spending time with, then relationship problems of all kinds will be minimized. Any problems that remain due to habit or selfishness on your spouse’s part can be dealt with in short order by the effective use of boundaries.

(16:02)

Don’t ever feel like there is nothing you can do until your spouse changes, because you can be the motivating force behind such change.

Many people come to me to help them stop their spouse’s damaging behaviors before it is too late for their relationship. I don’t help them to jump ship. I help them to put the right steps in the right order so they can make their relationship positive again as soon as possible. I would be happy to help you learn how to do that, too. All you need to do to work with me is to select the Difficult Partner Coaching Package at coachjackito.com.

(16:37)

[Podcast wrap-up]

Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.