Use Boundaries for More Respect and a Better Marriage

On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

On today's episode, Coach Jack teaches people to be more secure in their interactions, leading them to much better relationships.

After listening to today's episode, you may want to:

• How to both be patient and use boundaries.
• When to work as a couple and when not to.
• Get Coach Jack's book, What to Do When He Won't Change.
• Work with Coach Jack to effectively stop your spouse's damaging behavior.

Transcript

Use Boundaries for More Respect and a Better Marriage 

(Podcast Transcript)

(0:00)

[Introduction to the podcast]

Announcer: On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

(0:29)

Coach Jack: Are you using ineffective behaviors like arguing, complaining, or pleading with your spouse? Are you losing respect failing to create effective change? Boundaries will help you to gain respect and improve your marriage. 

Some people have very sensitive and empathetic spouses. As long as you treat them well, they are sure to treat you even better. When you are having trouble with them, you can have a loving talk and fix things up.

(0:55)

The only time that I get to see clients with such spouses is when they have taken their spouse for granted and neglected them to the point their spouse is leaving them. I help them to rebuild trust and their spouse’s love.

However, the majority of my clients do not have such sensitive and empathetic spouses. Instead they have selfish spouses who are unconcerned about their behavior unless it creates some kind of problem for them. If you lovingly let such spouses know what is bothering you, it penetrates their skull no better than a ping pong ball penetrates a brick wall.

With difficult spouses, you have three choices:

1. Have ongoing conflict as you try to convince your spouse to behave better,
2. give up and learn to accept your spouse is not going to change, or
3. use boundaries to motivate your spouse to change.

(1:51)

Now it is true that you can motivate a person to do what you want if you nag, complain, and argue enough, but each time you do you take another screw out of the structure of your relationship. Your relationship is weakened, and if you take out too many screws, your relationship will collapse altogether.

Many people think they shouldn’t have to use boundaries, yet continue to do needy behaviors like arguing and complaining, which they don’t have to do either.

The fact is, there are many things we do have to do to maintain our marriages, just like there are many things we have to do to maintain other relationships.

Every relationship has job requirements for how we behave toward the other person and how we respond to their behavior. Do an excellent job with those two things and you will have excellent relationships. Using effective boundaries is just as much a requirement for healthy marriages as being able to show your love. In fact, love and boundaries go hand in hand.

(2:56)

Marriage is a job people get for the benefits. But, they still have to do the work.

Boundaries in marriage are for creating a win-win–a better relationship for both you and your spouse. Seen in that light, boundaries are what loving people do. 

The loving idea is something like this:

I won’t allow you to mistreat me, because I would become resentful and that would make our relationship worse for both of us.

Before we go further, let’s talk a little more clearly about …

What Is a boundary?

Simply stated, boundaries are actions you either take or refuse to take, to end a damaging behavior. Boundaries are not rules that we try to get other people to follow. Boundaries are always under our control and, because of that, there is no way for someone to violate our boundaries. If somebody can violate your boundary, then it is a rule and not a boundary.

(3:57)

Rules are about controlling others; boundaries are about what we will or will not do.

For example, if you want to buy a stamp, you must pay for it first. If you don’t pay, then you don’t get a stamp. The rule is you must pay for stamps. But, the post office can’t make you follow that rule. You can refuse to buy stamps. If you don’t pay for them however, the post office won’t give you any. That is their boundary. It is under their control.

Another example:

If I tell you not to call me names, that is not a boundary because you can defy it. On the other hand, I don’t have to continue to talk to you if you call me names. That is my boundary. If you care about my talking to you, you won’t call me names. If you don’t care, then my boundary won’t be effective and you will still call me names.

(4:56)I

Making rules that others defy will earn you disrespect. Using boundaries which don’t put up with bad behavior earn you respect.

There are some principles for…

Making effective boundaries

For boundaries to be effective with your spouse, your spouse must care what you do. That means that you need to do the ground work of being a valuable spouse. When you are a valuable spouse, there are many benefits for your spouse. Without being valuable your spouse won’t care about your boundaries. 

You must also choose boundaries that your spouse definitely does not want, and you need to use them consistently. If your spouse’s bad behavior works for him or her only once in a while, it is still enough to maintain that bad behavior. Boundaries need to be used every time the target behavior occurs or they won’t be effective.

Let’s recap that … 

For boundaries to be effective with your spouse:

(5:55)

1. You must be a valuable person for your spouse,
2. You must choose boundaries which are under your control,
3. You must choose boundaries that your spouse cares about, and
4. You must consistently use your boundary, so that your spouse learns that it will occur without exception.

Boundaries that meet these four criteria will typically stop most problem behavior within two weeks. If all four of these criteria are not met, then your boundaries are not likely to work.

Here are some examples of ineffective responding and effective boundaries:

Ineffective response: “don’t call me Ninny. I don’t like it.”

Boundary: never responds when called “Ninny.”

Ineffective response: arguing about overspending.

Boundary: getting rid of the credit cards.

Ineffective response: defending oneself when accused.

Boundary: refusing to answer to accusations.

(7:04)

Ineffective response: shouting back when shouted at.

Boundary: walking away when shouted at.

Ineffective response: explaining repeatedly why you need time with friends.

Boundary: just going out with your friends.

Ineffective response: telling your spouse not to text you 20 times when you are going out.

Boundary: not reading or answering your spouse’s texts when you are out.

Ineffective response: begging your spouse to take you out.

Boundary: going out without your spouse.

Ineffective response: putting a tracking device on your spouse’s car.

Boundary: separating if your spouse cheats on you.

Before you get very excited to start using boundaries for all the behaviors you don’t like, there is one thing you should know…

(8:00)

Boundaries do damage.

You heard me right–boundaries do damage. They will make your spouse upset. If someone likes your boundary you can be sure you didn’t choose a good one. Boundaries create anger and temporary distancing. If your relationship is already on the edge, then a boundary just might push it over the edge.

Why would we want to do something which is going to make our spouse upset and do damage? There’s only one good reason that I know and that is to prevent even greater damage, when less damaging ways are not available or have been tried and don’t work.

Let’ recap …

When to use boundaries:

1. When greater damage would happen without the boundary,
2. when no less damaging ways are available to prevent the greater damage, and
3. when available, less damaging methods have not worked.

(8:58)

If you want to talk with your spouse about your thoughts, feelings, and desires in order to stop cheating, neglect, abuse, or what have you, be my guest. But my advice is to have a boundary ready to go if your talk does not motivate your spouse or maintain your spouse’s good behavior.

Good boundaries, used early on in your relationship, won’t create much anger. The longer you have allowed a behavior to go on, the more anger you can expect when you implement your boundary.

When we refuse to buy alcohol for our addicted spouses, or refuse to live with a spouse who is having an affair, we are helping them to have a better relationship with us. That angers them in the short term, but it benefits them in the long term.

Boundaries build respect in an otherwise good relationship

Respect is earned by:

1. Living according to our values,
2. Doing what say we are going to do, and
3. Not allowing others to mistreat us (by using healthy boundaries). 

(10:05)

Earning your spouse’s respect is another job requirement for marriage, just as it is for parenting.

Boundaries help when talking doesn’t

It is okay if you tell your spouse how an obviously bad behavior makes you feel, but if that’s all you do with a low empathy spouse, you won’t change it. Your verbal explanation needs to come with a boundary that you will implement consistently.

If you want to stop a behavior which your spouse does not realize is damaging, I recommend starting with a positive request for what you would like your spouse to do instead (i.e. ask for what you want instead of criticizing for what you don’t want). If that works, great! Reward your spouse for doing what you wanted.

If positive requests don’t work, then be assertive about what you want, and what you expect. Assertive doesn’t mean abusive–it means being serious and clear about your rights as a person and as a spouse, and your expectations regarding your spouse’s behavior. 

(11:09)

Do not argue! When positive requests are denied and assertiveness is scorned, use a boundary. If you find that you are unwilling to follow through with a boundary, can’t do it consistently, or haven’t first worked on being valuable for your spouse, then don’t use a boundary.

You must work on being a valuable spouse by stopping your own damaging behavior before working to stop your spouse’s damaging behavior.

Boundaries are your best response in severe situations

The more obviously bad a behavior is to both you and your spouse, the more necessary is a boundary. Your spouse breaking things or screaming at you call for a boundary response. Having a sit down to help your spouse to understand you don’t like violence or verbal abuse is ridiculous. The same goes for cheating.

(12:02)

If your spouse is being abusive or threatening, then use a boundary first. If your spouse is cheating on you, then you need to establish good boundaries right after you discover the infidelity. The reason they must be used first in these situations is because your spouse knows he or she is being disrespectful and damaging the marriage.

You don’t have to convince and persuade your spouse that a behavior is wrong or harmful. Attempting to do so, rather than taking action, will lose you respect.

No man or woman was ever turned on by being told that their thoughts, feelings, actions, or morality is wrong.

Some people ask me how they can state a boundary in a way that won’t make their spouse upset. They can’t. Both people pleasers and people who are afraid of abandonment fail to use good boundaries for this reason. And unfortunately, the people pleasers’ spouse is never pleased and the person afraid of abandonment gets abandoned.

(13:05)

Secure people use boundaries and are more attractive for it. Reasonable boundaries build respect; unreasonable ones build contempt. Boundaries, like a fire extinguisher, should only be used when necessary to prevent greater harm. Failing to use them, like failing to use a fire extinguisher when needed, can lead to disaster.

Some people have a hard time understanding boundaries because they overcomplicate them. In reality, …

Boundaries are an everyday part of life

Here are some examples of everyday boundaries:

• refusing to eat a second piece of cake
• not driving if you’ve had more than one drink
• making a to do list every morning
• accepting social invitations, even when you don’t feel social
• refusing to lend your car to a teen who is doing poorly in school
• deciding to be aloof whenever someone other than your spouse flirts with you

(14:04)

Refusing to participate in bad things is just as important as accepting good things. Without doing that, we could not maintain our physical, mental, or spiritual health, and we also could not maintain good relationships with others. Our actions, rather than our words, are the key to reversing damage whether we are losing weight, making friends, or saving our marriage.

Boundaries are not enough for a good marriage

Boundaries in marriage and relationships always have to be counterbalanced with loving behavior.

The amount of love you show your spouse must always outweigh the boundaries you use. If not, your boundaries will create resentment in your spouse rather than respect. 

When I help a client to deal with a critical, complaining, or controlling spouse, I have them use good boundaries, but I also teach them many ways of helping their spouse feel loved.

(14:58)

Having good boundaries isn’t something you work on as a couple.

Don’t expect your spouse to work cooperatively on creating boundaries to limit his or her bad behavior. Neither couple’s counseling nor couple’s coaching is appropriate for that. Couple’s work often helps to promote understanding and clarify differences, but offers little in the way for changing an unempathetic spouse. 

You can go around and around talking about things you and your spouse disagree on, or you can learn to be valuable and to use good boundaries. If you like the approach of learning and applying skills step by step to create positive change, I invite you to check out my coaching package called, Restore a Loving Relationship with a Difficult Spouse.

(15:45)

 [Podcast wrap-up]

Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.