Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack

How to Stop Being Blamed for Everything by Your Spouse

• Jack Ito PhD, Psychologist, Author, and Relationship Coach • Season 3 • Episode 33

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On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

On today's episode, Coach Jack teaches two methods for ending blame permanently while improving your relationship.

After listening to today's episode, you may want to:

How to Stop Being Blamed for Everything by Your Spouse 

(Podcast Transcript)

(0:00)

[Introduction to the podcast]

Announcer: On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

(0:29)

Coach Jack: Does your spouse think everything’s your fault? That if there are problems, then you are to blame? Here’s how to end the blame once and for all without the need for marriage counseling.

Never work as a couple with someone who wants something different from you. While you are motivated for your spouse to stop blaming you, your spouse does not have the same motivation.

Blame plays an important role for your spouse. And, because of that, he or she will be reluctant to give it up, even if it is damaging your marriage.

(0:59)

Many people get upset and defensive when they are blamed. This is called being reactive. While a strong reaction can temporarily stop blaming behavior, it will come back again, and again, and again. 

Reactivity rewards both blame and criticism by giving your spouse the power to provoke you with just a few words.

This means the next time your spouse is feeling frustrated or irritated, you are sure to be blamed again, since it takes away your spouse’s feeling of powerlessness to deal with something. 

Getting upset can get people to suppress their behaviors, so it seems to work. But because it also rewards them with the power to provoke, they will continue to do the behavior.

If you often are reactive, I encourage you to trade in this partially effective behavior for a more effective one that will make you feel better about yourself and make you less susceptible to being provoked by your spouse.

(2:00)

Being secure, rather than being reactive, creates lasting change because it takes away all benefit for your spouse to continue to treat you badly.

Today, I will teach you two secure methods for dealing with blame. First, let’s take a look at some behaviors you might need to give up. This is the groundwork for relationship building. Without the groundwork, even if you get your spouse to stop blaming, he or she will find another way to provoke you.

First steps for permanently ending your spouse’s blaming behavior

The first step for stopping someone else’s damaging behavior is to stop our own–even if the other person’s behavior is worse than ours. Failing to use this teaching of Jesus is why many people fail in their attempts to improve their relationships.

It’s hard to stop doing things you are not even aware are damaging. Let me tell you about some behaviors people often don’t realize are…

(2:58)

Ineffective ways to permanently stop a spouse’s damaging behaviors:

  • Sharing your negative feelings about your spouse’s behavior,
  • explaining to your spouse why you don’t like it,
  • questioning your spouse about the behavior,
  • doing the same behavior back to your spouse,
  • complaining to others about your spouse,
  • shouting, withdrawing, crying, and threatening.

None of these behaviors will help you to end blame or any other problem you have with your spouse. They all contribute to emotional distancing.

Talking about problems and sharing feelings only helps when the other person thinks and feels like you. With someone who blames, that is never going to be the case. If you are a strong believer in these methods, it’s time to believe in something else that will be more helpful for your relationship.

(3:52)

Well meaning people often continue to do ineffective or damaging behavior without realizing it. Before I learned to do better, I did worse, but I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I wrote my book on overcoming neediness to help people stop habits they are not even aware are damaging. If the things you do to make things better are not working, I recommend you use this book to learn to do better.

Okay, so I’ve shared with you what won’t work, even though your therapist may encourage you to continue to share feelings and talk about problems. 

Most therapists, like most medical doctors, want you to feel better without actually curing you. Use your experience as a guide to what works and what doesn’t–not only for what they say, but for what I say as well. Like a scientist, you must be ready to throw out your theory if the data doesn’t support it.

Are you ready to learn what will cure your spouse of this blaming problem? I hope you are. Let’s get started by looking at how big of a role blame is playing in your marriage by counting…

(5:00)

The symptoms of blame

How many of the following symptoms of blame do you have in your marriage?

 

  • My spouse repeatedly blames me for our marriage problems.
  • My spouse repeatedly blames me for his or her unhappiness.
  • Both my spouse and I are dissatisfied with the marriage.
  • My spouse won’t look at how her or she is contributing to our problems.
  • My spouse blames me for causing his or her damaging behavior. 
  • Whenever I try to talk about our marriage with my spouse, I just end up getting blamed.
  • When I am blamed by my spouse I tend to get frustrated and shut down.
  • I often wonder if I really am to blame and why my spouse would want to stay with me.

 

The more of these symptoms that are present, the bigger the role blame plays in your marriage problems.

Now that you have an idea of how much of a role blame plays in your marriage, let’s take a look at…

(5:58)

How to deal with blame

The nice thing about spouses who blame is that they correctly identify the existence of problems. What I mean by that is that some spouses deny that problems exist at all. Denial of problems is a more primitive response than blame and harder to work with. With people in denial, they have to be convinced that a problem exists before improvements can be made. With people who blame, they are already aware of the existence of problems. There is some truth in what they say. That little bit of truth will allow you to create connection while you no longer reward your spouse for blaming you. 

Well, I’m getting ahead of myself. The way to deal with blame is to follow three principles…

Principle 1: Take responsibility to change your spouse’s behavior

No matter who caused your problems, you are the one responsible to do something about it.

If you don’t follow this principle, then nothing will get done. 

(7:00)

I recommend you stop waiting for life to be fair and start working to make it better.

You may have a natural tendency to blame your spouse for blaming you. And although you are likely to be one hundred percent correct, you won’t win any prize for that. 

Knowing how to create mutually satisfying relationships is a far better goal in relationships than being right.

Have you made being right a priority over loving, and connecting, and repairing, and creating the kind of marriage you would really like to have?

You can focus on being right every day as you watch your relationship fade away, or you can take responsibility for creating the change that you both need. 

If you are thinking about coaching, you should be the only one to go even if your spouse is the cause of your problems.

Why is that?…

(7:57)

The person most motivated to create the change should be the only person to get coaching. Some people mistakenly try to send their spouses to work with me when they are the ones who need to work with me. The one who is motivated to make the changes happen is the one who can create the conditions for change.

If you have problems with your kids, learn to deal with their behaviors. If you have problems with your spouse, learn to deal with your spouse’s behaviors. They will not be motivated to stop their behaviors just because you don’t like them.

Two people can move a load more easily than one, but only if they are pulling in the same direction.

Principle one is Instead of trying to get your spouse to change, you need to create the conditions that will make your spouse desire to change.

Why should I have to be the one, you ask? Because otherwise, it won’t happen.

Okay, I’m sure you are all fired up to go on to…

(8:57)

Principle 2: Work on yourself before working on your spouse

This is a common theme for whatever improvement you want to make in your relationship. You can’t build your relationship by doing damage, even if your spouse is doing much more.

Some work you may need to do on yourself is to:

  1. Stop any needy behaviors, such as arguing, complaining, criticizing, and so on. Such needy behaviors will motivate your spouse to blame you to protect his or her self esteem and to emotionally distance from you.
  2. Consider if you really do need to change what you are being blamed for by your spouse. If so, then make those changes.
  3. Make sure you are being a desirable spouse. Don’t expect your spouse to treat you as valuable if you are not being valuable. 
  4. Learn how to validate your spouse to give your spouse a positive experience with you.

(9:58)

In short, you need to behave toward your spouse the way you would like your spouse to behave toward you.

In the words of Jesus: 

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12 NIV.

This is the Golden Rule that Jesus gave us. Even many Christians are waiting for their spouse to behave the way they want before they treat their spouse that way. That is not Christian behavior, is backwards, and will not work.

Alright, if you are taking responsibility to create the change and are using behaviors which will help your spouse to enjoy you and value you, then you are ready for…

Principle 3: Agree with blame without rewarding it

I cover principle in more detail in my book, Connecting through Yes! Essentially, when we can find the truth in what people are saying, without being reactive, we take away their power, and create connection at the same time.

(11:08)

Some people call this verbal judo. I just call it being secure. Secure people are able to admit to the truth, even when it points to one of their faults. I will be the first to tell you that I have many faults and make mistakes on a regular basis. I’ve been doing that all my life because I’m a human being. If my wife blames me for something, she is likely to be at least partially right. 

I don’t need to get upset about what she got right. And, I don’t need to get upset for whatever she didn’t get right. After all she’s a fallible human being, too. I don’t make it my job however, to correct her when she is wrong. I learned long ago that that is not a helpful approach to having good relationships.

Like it or not, there is some truth in whatever you are blamed for. People don’t blame for something with no truth in it as that doesn’t provoke others and just makes them seem crazy.

(12:07)

For example, your spouse saying: It’s your fault it rained today.

If your spouse confabulates like this, then you need to learn how to love a person with a psychological illness. For most people, this is not going to be the case.

More likely there will be some truth, even if just a little, in what your spouse says.

Example: It’s your fault we don’t have any friends.

Now, just listening to that, you may not be able to identify any truth in it, and your impulse might be to see it as a blatant lie. Don’t do that. Ask a clarifying question instead, so you can find the truth in what your spouse is saying. 

Example: 

 

  • Spouse: It’s your fault we don’t have any friends.
  • You: What do you mean? (Clarifying question)
  • Spouse: You never want to go out and do anything with other people.
  • You: Yes, I too often refuse to go out when you want to.

 

(13:19)

 

Notice here that you only agree with the part that is true. Of course you are not the reason that the two of you don’t have friends and you don’t say that you are, but you do admit to how you contribute to the problem.

DO NOT tell your spouse that he or she is right. Full endorsement of a partially incorrect statement is not helpful. Instead, just find the part that is true and admit to that.

Tip: If you tend to say sometimes, change it to too often to create better agreement. Sometimes is a defensive word and poor agreement.

(14:00)

Example: Sometimes, I refuse to go out when you want to.

is defensive, whereas

Too often, I refuse to go out when you want to.

That is a secure statement.

Some other things to avoid doing when agreeing with blame:

 

  • getting upset in any way,
  • arguing with the way your spouse said it,
  • trying to find ways your spouse is at fault,
  • explaining why you do what you do,
  • apologizing for what you are being blamed for,
  • promising to do better.

 

All of these behaviors are needy and reactive.

Reactivity rewards blame and criticism and will make the behavior happen more and more.

The more you disagree, argue, defend, explain, apologize, or promise to do better, the more you will be blamed. Giving your spouse the power to provoke you to either be upset or take action is very rewarding and trains your spouse to blame you (and criticize you too).

(15:06)

If someone tells me to jump, I don’t ask them how high. I just agree that jumping is good exercise.

With the agreement method, all you are doing is simply admitting to the true part without any reactivity and without jumping to action.

Example: 

  • Spouse: It’s your fault we are late.
  • You: Yes, I wasn’t ready on time.

By agreeing in a relaxed way, without being reactive, you take away your spouse’s power to control, to provoke, and to create distance. In addition, you create connection by finding a point of agreement instead of a point of debate. Agreement is a powerful connection method.

In addition, the more you can admit your faults, mistakes, and contributions to bad situations without becoming defensive, the more secure you will become, and the less you will be blamed. That’s because your spouse will not be rewarded for that behavior.

(16:05)

That being said, do work on doing better, without promising to, if your spouse has some legitimate complaints. Your changes will not reward the blame because it will be too far removed from when you were blamed.

Agreement can be used in many potential conflict situations to avoid conflict and build connection. My book, Connecting through Yes! has helped many people to end conflict and build connection while still being secure.

Conflict is no better than avoidance for dealing with problems. Secure responding is the one that actually creates improvement.

Some people just can’t bring themselves to agree, just as some people can’t bring themselves to exercise. Both require self-discipline. If you are one of those people, I want to let you know about…

An alternative method of dealing with blame–using boundaries

(16:59)

Blame can be treated as verbal abuse. We never agree with abuse. Dealing with verbal abuse involves walking away as soon as the abuse happens, for at least an hour with no contact, every single time it happens and no matter where it occurs. Done well, this boundary can stop abuse in as little as two weeks, even if it has been going on for years.

I think it is better to try the agreement method first, since agreement can also create connection whereas boundaries do not. However, if the blaming is accompanied by any abusive elements such as shouting or name calling, then use boundaries first. If there are no abusive elements, and you can do the groundwork, then work on the agreement method as it has additional benefits for your relationship.

Now, let’s go over some…

Common questions about agreeing with the true part of blame

(17:57)

Won’t my spouse be rewarded by my agreement?

A little, but it also frustrates your spouse because you are not reactive and don’t jump to do what your spouse wants. It’s a net loss of power for your spouse.

Why should I agree if my spouse is more to blame than I am?

Because the goal is to improve the relationship and stop the blame. The goal is not to win by proving your spouse to be more wrong. There is no reward for making your spouse wrong, but there is a big reward for stopping the blame and being secure.

How do I make my spouse agree with things that I blame him or her for?

You don’t. You stop blaming, which is a needy behavior that damages relationships. Instead, learn how to use positive requests and boundaries. Be the person you would like your spouse to be.

(19:01)

What if my spouse asks why I did the thing I agreed with?

Then give a simple, honest answer, without being reactive.

For example:

  • Spouse: It’s your fault we don’t have any friends.
  • You: What do you mean?
  • Spouse: You never want to go out and do anything with other people.
  • You: Yes, I often refuse to go out when you want to.
  • Spouse: Why do you do that?
  • You: Because I prefer to do my own activities.

 

Another example:

  • Spouse: It’s your fault we were late.
  • You: Yeah, I wasn’t ready on time.
  • Spouse: Well why weren’t you?
  • You: Because I didn’t realize I needed to iron my clothes and it took extra time.

 

(19:55)

If you can’t give an honest answer to a why question, then you also believe you are doing something wrong or believe that you should never make mistakes. Work on seeing yourself as a human being who makes mistakes just like everyone else. And work to improve behaviors that would bother any spouse.

Answering questions is not needy. Explanations are only reactive or needy when they are not asked for.

I get too upset to agree when I am blamed. How can I work on it?

If you have a tendency to be reactive, then focus on just listening carefully. Then admit your spouse may be right and say you will think about it. Then get some space to calm down, think about what is true, and then get back to your spouse with your non-reactive agreement. This is an excellent way to improve all responding when you are just learning.

The method of agreement is not working. What’s wrong?

(21:02)

Most of the time when agreement is not working it is because the relationship is damaged and the spouse has no desire to connect no matter what you do. This is why it is imperative to do the self work first. If you have done the self work and agreement is still not working for you, then switch to the boundaries method. Your having become more valuable to your spouse will make the boundaries work. 

Like anything else, if your skills are not working, it is not time to give up or get reactive–rather it is time to get help.

Lack of progress simply means that you either are doing the wrong steps, are doing them in the wrong order, or are doing them at the wrong pace. Learn which it is and fix it and things will get better.

One more thing to realize is…

You have more than two options

(21:59)

You are not stuck with a choice of whether to put up with blame or end your marriage. You have another option. You can stop any damaging behavior your spouse is doing by using secure, no-conflict, non-reactive skills. If you would like my help with that, I have a difficult partner coaching package that will help you to learn just the skills you need for your situation.

(22:24)

 [Podcast wrap-up]

Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.