Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack

Giving Space and Reconciling: How Much is Too Much? | Expert Advice

• Jack Ito PhD, Psychologist, Author, and Relationship Coach • Season 3 • Episode 32

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On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

On today's episode, Coach Jack will help you to understand the impact of space in gaining and losing your spouse's desire for you.

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Giving Space and Reconciling: How Much is Too Much? | Expert Advice

(Podcast Transcript)

(0:00)

[Introduction to the podcast]

Announcer: On the Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack podcast, Christian psychologist, author, and relationship coach, Dr. Jack Ito, will help you to build and restore your marriage. By learning just a few relationship skills, you can help your spouse enjoy your relationship more, while getting more love and affection from your spouse. Listen to Coach Jack as he helps you with one more step toward a marriage both you and your spouse will love.

(0:29)

Coach Jack: Today, I want to help you learn the importance of giving space in relationships and how to determine the right amount of space to promote reconciling. I will also give you advice for using space to build a stronger, more stable relationship.

I haven’t been to my dentist in some time. He’s not a bad person, it’s just that I never really enjoyed our time together. The same could be said for a couple of mismatched girlfriends I had. I don’t know about you, but I don’t miss anyone who I really wanted to get away from. If your spouse no longer loves you, is angry, resentful, or seriously wants a divorce, then giving space will not make your spouse miss you.

(1:13)

Letting more time go by is not going to increase my desire to visit my dentist. I will see him when I have to, and no more than that. Clearly giving a lot of space is not a big help for a bad relationship.

On the contrary, giving space will waste valuable time that you could be using to rebuild your relationship. That will only happen if you can interact in a way that helps your spouse to relax and feel validated by you. The more attractive and enjoyable you become, the more contact your spouse will want, up to a point.

Before we decide just where that point is, let’s look at some of the benefits of giving space…

There are some good reasons for giving space in healthy relationships:

(2:01)

1 To calm down

Sometimes, people need to take a time out in order to calm down. Like getting space after a fight, or even better, when you feel like starting one. Failure to do so often causes impulsive and damaging behavior. In this sense, space is a kind of “time out” for the purpose of preserving a good relationship.

Which of the following two statements fits the way you believe?

  • When you are upset with your spouse, you should immediately share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse, or
  • When you are upset you should calm down and figure out how to express yourself in a secure and loving way before talking to your spouse.

All you have to do is to try out these two ways of responding to quickly learn which one is better. Those who value openness and transparency in communication often are quick to say damaging things when they would be better off getting a little space to pray and create a loving attitude.

(3:02)

God, please help me to express this to my spouse in a loving way, is a good way to start such a prayer.

We don’t want to hurt each other, so we take time to cool off. Or we allow our partner time to cool off. In this situation, the space is only long enough to allow people to fix their attitudes.

A loving attitude seeks connection; an un-loving attitude seeks correction.

Besides calming down, there is another good reason to give space and that is to…

2 To maintain desire

Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. I really like cheesecake. If I have one piece, it is great–especially if I haven’t had it for a while. But, if I have a second piece, it won’t be nearly as good, even though the actual quality is the same. And, if I have a third piece, it will be hard to eat. I won’t enjoy it and if I force myself it will be a long time before I will eat cheesecake again.

(4:06)

The more of something you have, the less valuable it will be.

No matter how much your spouse likes to spend time with you, having too much time together can stop all loving feelings and even create repulsion. You can know you are spending too much time together when you or your spouse easily become irritated with each other over petty things.

To keep your relationship going well, you need to be together no more than either of you enjoys. This means if you need more togetherness than your spouse, you need to find other things to do rather than being with your spouse so much.

People who want to reconcile often are creating repulsion rather than desire by hanging around their spouse too much. People only desire what they wish they had more of. You will not create desire in your spouse with excess time together.

(5:01)

There are also reasons for giving space In damaged and separated relationships:

Space also plays an important role in healing damaged relationships, such as with…

1 Trial separations

Giving space can’t be used to build a relationship. However, it can be used to stop more damage from being done. A trial separation is one where couples agree to live separately while continuing to work on their marriage. This is the intentional use of space to reduce conflict and negative time together in favor of getting together for positive times.

A trial separation is not a no-contact situation. Although the couple are separated, they come together for counseling and relationship assignments. If a couple are not working together in any way, then it can’t be considered a trial separation. It is actually breaking marital commitment.

(6:03)

Trial separations reduce damage by creating space and build connection with positive time together. You can’t have one without the other. Nothing is built when there is no contact.

Trial separations are helpful when continuing to live together will create more damage than progress, since the alternative would be to allow the relationship to bottom out. There are many times however when a trial separation is not a good choice.

An alternative to trial separations are…

2. Unstructured separations

Unstructured separations often are more helpful for building relationships than trial separations. I have an article/podcast on when to use each with more detailed information. Unstructured separations seek to rebuild by re-creating the same experience couple’s had with each other when they were single.

(6:58)

Part of the reason your relationship with your spouse grew in the first place was because you enjoyed each other, but did not live together. It wasn’t because of communication rules or structured homework. You got together when you both felt like it. This created a more positive experience than having to get together whether you both felt like it or not.

Space in unstructured separations, is just like space in early single relationships–it helps you to come across as more secure and attractive, and helps you to maintain the friendships and activities that also increase attraction. 

Too much time together prevents us from doing other things that help us to be more desirable, such as having friends and activities that we do on our own.

Why spouses ask for space during a separation.

There is one main reason that spouses ask for space after they move out. It is when they are feeling pressured by the other spouse to reconcile. Typically the decision to move out was made long before the actual move. Once out, the separating spouse has no desire to work on the marriage. In fact, he or she is actively working to move on toward a new and better future.

(8:11)

If you try, in any way, to get your spouse to reconcile at this time, you will only experience rejection. Not only that, but whenever your spouse receives a phone call or text message from you, it will trigger an automatic “Oh no” response in your spouse, which stresses him or her out. Your spouse will most likely ask for space. Then, if you don’t give it, he or she will stop taking or responding to your messages. No one wants to keep getting stressed out.

Just as you can’t fight your way to a better relationship, you can’t pressure your spouse into desiring you.

Did you know, the less needy you are, the less space your spouse will want.

(8:55)

It is far better to give space to your spouse than to be needy. Typical needy behaviors are apologizing, explaining, arguing, and convincing. Are you a needy spouse? If you are, it will decrease your chances of reconciling because it will decrease your spouse’s enjoyment of you.

A marriage counselor might recommend you to give your spouse space, especially if he or she believes there is no chance for your marriage. That’s because the counselor would be working to help you to emotionally move on. A counselor’s primary concern is your mental health, not your relationship.

A relationship coach, on the other hand, is a relationship expert who prioritizes reconciling. Coaching would be to help you to re-attract your spouse. You would then work on having secure and connecting behaviors. These are behaviors that help your spouse to enjoy contact rather than be stressed out by it.

(9:53)

Secure contact during separation is characterized by:

  • A low frequency,
  • a relaxed demeanor,
  • friendly talk without pursuit language,
  • empathy ,
  • agreement,
  • a lack of apologies, promises, explanations, and requests.

These are the same skills that anyone needs to use when starting any relationship with anyone. They help the other person to feel relaxed and similar, and to look forward to interacting with you again.

A spouse who is not stressed by you won’t need as much space from you.

The people who are most successful with reconciling focus on helping their spouse to enjoy them, while also letting go of whether they reconcile or not. The person who overly focuses on reconciling however, often can’t relax or validate their spouse–preventing reconciling.

You will have success with relationships only to the extent that other people find you desirable and enjoyable to be with. Relationships therefore depend mostly on being a desirable and validating person. Relationships don’t work by convincing others to have one with us.

(11:07)

Giving space, in itself, doesn’t hurt or help with reconciling.

Giving space is a neutral behavior. It doesn’t really damage your chance of reconciling–it just doesn’t do anything to build your relationship. The no contact rule has one major flaw. There is absolutely no way to build a relationship without interaction. This is why I don’t coach people who no longer have any contact with their spouse. The only way to build a relationship is by helping your spouse to enjoy talking and being with you. Giving space does not allow for that.

Related Podcast: Is Going No Contact a Good Way to Get My Spouse to Come Back?

Common questions about giving space:

(11:58)

“How do I know when I’m giving the right amount of space?”

Assuming that you are being desirable and using good validation skills, you will have the right amount of space when your spouse stops distancing behaviors. Distancing behaviors include petty arguments, provocations, avoidance, and negative body language. Someone who is wanting to be with you will not be doing these things.

If your spouse sometimes wants to be with you and at other times does not (kind of a roller coaster pattern), it means that you still need to reduce your interaction time. This is because your spouse is getting his or her fill (too much interaction), then needs space before getting hungry for interaction again. By not filling up your spouse, your spouse will have a consistent desire to interact without needing to distance.

(12:57)

Needy people often want to be with others more than others want to be with them. As a result, they create a roller coaster pattern in their marriage. They also often lose friends who have gotten too much of them. Being around others more than they enjoy creates rejection, not connection.

If you are not being desirable or using good connection skills, then your spouse may never desire more time with you, regardless of how little you interact. You can learn these skills in coaching if you are not good at them.

“I read somewhere that going no contact will make my spouse miss me and be open to working on our marriage. Do you agree with that?”

If your spouse does not want to divorce, but has separated either to punish you, get you to change, or to be single for a while, this may work. This is because your spouse will be fearful of losing a relationship he or she does not want to lose.

(14:01)

This does not hold for people who are serious about leaving. Lack of contact makes them relieved, not fearful. They are more fearful of losing something or someone else if they stay with you. They are not sitting around missing you. They are hopeful about their future without you.

This gimmicky no-contact strategy, of trying to get a spouse to miss you, is still used by many people. But, like playing the lottery, it only works for a few. If you want to try this no contact tactic, I don’t recommend you try it too long.

“Do you have any gimmicky strategies to use instead of giving space?”

No. I don’t believe in gimmicks, tricks, lies, or manipulation. Those things will work for short term relationships in order to get what you want before losing your partner’s trust. I help people to have long term, loving relationships, which both partners enjoy. That can’t be achieved with gimmicks.

(15:08)

Both reconciling and long term relationship success depend on being desirable, using good connection skills, and being secure. These three will foster love and commitment in a partner. There are no substitute behaviors that will achieve the same results more easily.

The fastest way to accomplish a long term goal is to get started on it right away.

“My spouse asked me to give him/her space. Should I do that?”

There are two reasons why people ask for space:

  1. Either they do not enjoy being with you, or
  2. they want to do something they can’t do with you around.

If your spouse does not enjoy being with you it is probably because you are very different from your spouse, are trying to convince rather than validate, or have too much togetherness. Working on these three things can help your spouse to pursue you rather than need space from you.

(16:09)

If your spouse wants space to do private things, then have good boundaries to help prevent unfaithfulness. Never just give space to a spouse who wants to figure out whether to continue a relationship with you or not–that is a recipe for affairs. I have more detailed information for that situation on my website.

“If I don’t give space and I don’t try to convince, then what do I do?”

If you want to reconcile your relationship and your spouse doesn’t, stop trying to convince. That’s like trying to convince someone to eat moldy bread. You need to instead do what millions of people are doing every day to create new relationships.

(16:59) 

Every day people are getting married to others they did not initially want to marry, but not because they are convinced to. My wife was not in love with me from our first meeting, our first date, or soon after that. I didn’t say, “Oh well, she’s not in love with me so I may as well just move on.”

Not pursuing does not mean giving up. And being rejected doesn’t mean there is no hope.

How did I get my wife to marry me without convincing her to? I attracted her and connected with her. I didn’t ask her to marry me for two years. I waited until she got to the point where I thought she would say yes. If I had tried to convince her to marry me before she was attracted or strongly connected with me, then we probably wouldn’t be married now.

Asking an estranged spouse to reconcile with you before you re-attract and re-connect will get you rejection every time. It’s like trying to harvest a crop before you have sown the seeds.

(18:06)

The most important indication of progress is not your spouse agreeing to work on the relationship. That isn’t even necessary. The most important indication of progress is that you are both enjoying your relationship more. That’s not something you talk someone into. That happens by being that kind of man or woman, both when together and when apart, that your spouse will enjoy more than any other.

Giving space is one of many important relationship skills to get love and commitment from your spouse

Too much of a good thing is a bad thing; too little of a good thing is a bad thing also. 

(18:55)

While there are no single step solutions to reconciling, there are many individual steps and they are all important. Giving less space than your spouse enjoys while still being attractive and having enjoyable interaction is the sweet spot for rebuilding your relationship. The same considerations go into that as when you were single. I would be happy to help you with giving space and the other aspects of relationship building you need to do to create the desire in your spouse to reconcile.

(19:29)

[Podcast wrap-up]

Announcer: Thank you for listening to Reconciling Marriages with Coach Jack. Visit coachjackito.com to learn more skills for reconnecting with your spouse and restoring your marriage.